Savage Tales

He'd told us that complimenting a Europan on his mastery of English was the highest form of praise.
    "Why, thank you, sir or ma'am," said Skooter.
    "Sir," said Dad, who had probably never had his gender questioned before. "I'm the dad. This is my wife Elsa. She's the mom."
    "Hello, Mom. Hello, Dad."
    "And this is our son Jake," said Dad.
    "Hello, Jake brother," said Skooter.
    "Pleased to... meet you," I said.
    We took Skooter into the house to show him around.
    "Is only three here?" said Skooter.
    "No, we have a daughter too," said Dad. "Natalie. She couldn't miss school today. You'll meet her later."
    "I bet I will," said Skooter.
    "What?" I said.
    "When can I start school and meet more humans?" said Skooter.
    "Jake can show you around today," said Dad. "Show him where the school is, Jake, and meet your sister at three."
    "Sure," I said.
    Skooter and I headed out. Mom and Dad were a little nervous sending him out alone with me, but I wasn't. Skooter looked almost like a normal kid, but with big saucer eyes and purple skin. He got some looks from the locals, but aliens were becoming more common so nothing too hostile came our way. The only difference was that Skooter was a kid living here, attending our schools. Trying to blend in.
    I noticed that Skooter relaxed a little when we got away from Mom and Dad.
    "So what do you think of Earth?" I said.
    "I need to unload," said Skooter.
    "What does that mean?" I said.
    "You know, Jake. To unload. Bodily."
    "Oh, you need to use the bathroom. We'll find one. We'll pass a park."
    "You misunderstand, Jake. I need to shoot male fluid."
    "Shoot what?"
    "Into a female. Will you help me?"
    I wasn't sure I understood, or that I wanted to understand. Skooter saw a woman and pointed.
    "Her," said Skooter. "She will do. Let's catch her, Jake."
    "I think you'd better slow down, Skooter. That's not how we do things here."
    "I don't care. I am a Europan. War is part of our life."
    "What do you mean?"
    "The males war on the females to sex them. To the victor go the spoils. If you help me get this one, you can have her too."
    "Uh, let's keep going, Skooter. We gotta meet my sister."
    "Maybe her then," said Skooter.
    "What?"
    "Nothing."
    Natalie was waiting when we arrived and made a queer face when she saw Skooter.
    "Eww, what is he?" said Natalie.
    "Mom and Dad told you," I said. "His name is –"
    "My name is Skooter," he said, then kissed my sister on the lips. She shook him off.
    "Eww, keep him away, Jake!" said Natalie.
    "I only meant –" Skooter began.
    "Save it," I said.
    Natalie ran away.
    "Shall we hunt her?" said Skooter.
    "No, let her go," I said.
    "Earth life is so strange and different."
    "You're doing okay," I said. "You just need to slow down. Tell you what – why don't we go to the batting cages. I can show you an Earth game."
    "That sounds delightful, Jake."
    He leered at several more girls on the way there, but we managed to arrive without further contact with women. I showed Skooter the batting cages and he looked disappointed.
    "Is there no flesh involved?" he said.
    I ignored his question and handed him a baseball bat.
    "Who do I hit with this?" he said.
    I laughed and we went to the cage. I let Skooter go in first.
    "What do I do?" he said.
    "A ball's gonna come at you. You hit it with the bat. I'll start you off slow."
    I guess I should have given him more instruction. The first ball shot out. He was standing in the wrong spot and it hit him in the chest. He fell to the ground. I went to help him.
    "Sorry," I said.
    "Hmmph." He pushed me aside and stood up. "I will be ready this time."
    I stepped out of the cage and started the machine again. Skooter held his bat at the ready this time, and when the ball came he struck it dead on. CRACK!
    "Nice," I said. "That's how you do it."
    "I know how I do it, because I just did it," said Skooter.
    His arrogance annoyed me so I ratcheted up the speed to the maximum. I certainly couldn't touch a ball at that speed.
    I heard the sound but couldn't see the ball. Skooter swung at something. The air exploded with another CRACK. He'd hit the ball!
    "Wow," I said, genuinely impressed. "Beginner's luck."
    "What?" said Skooter. "You taunt me, Jake!"
    I chuckled to myself, pleased that I'd annoyed him.
    Another ball shot from the machine. CRACK!
    "Damn," I said. "Maybe you're a natural."
    "This is easy," said Skooter. "A child fresh out of the womb could do this on my planet."
    I was going to point out that his "planet" was actually a