Savage Tales

metaphorically, sir, but things would come to a standstill."
    "Rubbish. It's winter. The people probably think I'm in Fiji. This place is frozen till spring."
    "Are you proposing, sir, or being merely hypothetical?"
    "I once saw a film where a rich man changed places with a peasant. He wanted to experience a different life."
    "Well?"
    "I could do the same. I could become a peasant. Not forever, mind you. But for a time. And when I returned to this life I would appreciate it all the more."
    "If you already know the perspective you will have on your return, is there really any need for this farce, sir?"
    "It's settled."
    Arrangements were made. A local Eskimo fisherman bearing a passing resemblance to the emperor was brought in and informed of the ruse. In exchange for his place on a fishing barge with a bunch of other drunkards, the fisherman would be given a modest salary and be allowed to swim through the emperor's money bin and bask in the warmth of his heat lamps. It was an offer no one could refuse.
    When the emperor got to the fishing barge he noticed that he was extremely cold, even under his layered walrus-skin overcoat.
    "Good lord, it's cold," he muttered to a barnacle-encrusted "mate" on the ship.
    "Charlie?" said his shipmate. "I've never heard you bemoan the cold before. There's something different about you."
    Juan realized that he had almost blown his cover, and so early in the game. "Oh, only joshing with you fellow," he quickly said. "Lovely day. Lovely."
    Lunch soon arrived. An unshaven pack of men clustered around a mess hall table in the boat's interior. A raw moose had been sliced into bite-sized morsels, each one impaled with a toothpick.
    "Yum," said Juan to himself, anticipating. But the flavor was not so good after all.
    The ship would soon be leaving port, heading out into the wild blue yonder of icebergs and nightmare porpoises.
    "I've changed my mind," said Juan. "I don't want to go."
    "What're you talking about, Charlie? It's your job."
    "No. You see... Well, how do I put this? I'm not really your amigo Charlie. I'm your emperor. Emperor Juan."
    "What kind of prank you pulling on us, Charlie?"
    The fellows guffawed hoarsely, like horses, laughing horses.
    "I'm leaving," said Juan.
    "Hope you like swimming."
    Juan looked and saw they had already moved away from land. Only thirty feet of water between him and that precious land, but the water looked extremely cold.
    "Damn," said Juan.

    A few days out on the ocean, Juan was smoking a cigarette on deck. He had never been a smoker, but the tedium of the sea and the warmth of a cigarette had won him over.
    "Whale wolves approaching!" shouted another man on deck.
    This is an expression one never wants to hear. Juan looked to the horizon and saw a gang of humps protruding through the water and heading towards them. Whale wolves, some mad scientist's idea of a joke.
    "What do we do?" said Juan.
    "There's nothing we can do, Charlie," said a boatswain. "Nobody can survive a whale wolf attack."
    "But if we were going to survive," said Juan. "How might we do it?"
    "Well, I've heard tell of people further south using the sun's rays to distract and confuse the whale wolves."
    "Then why can't we do the same?"
    The boatswain pointed toward the sky, covered with cloud and not a ray of light in sight.
    "I see," said Juan. "But I shall not be defeated so easily. I always carry on my person a ruby given me by my mother."
    "I smell some deus ex machina at work, but go on."
    "She said that if I ever needed light, I need only whisper my plea to the jewel, and light would come."
    "But will it be enough?"
    "Let's see," said Juan.
    He whispered to the rock, imploring it to blind the evil whale wolves. The monsters drew nearer, lapping on the waves, snarling and sweating fur as they came on.
    "It'll never work!" said the boatswain. "We're doomed!"
    At the last possible moment the jewel in Juan's hand exploded with light, blinding the whale wolves and all the crew on deck, including Juan.
    "We're saved," said Juan. "I can hear the sea monsters leaving. They can't see a thing."
    "Neither can I," said the boatswain.
    "It'll wear off," said Juan. "Just give it a few minutes."
    But it never wore off. The crew was unable to find its way back to land, and they all cannibalized each other, drinking blood and salt water until they vomited death onto the decks and leapt over the void with a blind sadness that has no name. The fate of the whale wolves was remarkably