Shatner Rules

studio to re-record my “Iron Man” vocals. I had to do justice to the blistering, six-string assault created by Zakk’s Gibson Les Paul.
    Bill kicks some serious ass recording his version of Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” for his newest album in 2011. (
Courtesy of Paul Camuso
)
    My original track wasn’t dirty enough. It wasn’t Ozzy Osbourne, it was Ozzie Nelson. (Ask your grandparents, kids.) I needed to scream.
    While screaming, I realized that heavy metal is nothing more than raw energy. That’s what defines it. And I needed to tap into that energy with all my might. My voice is very important to me, but that afternoon, all I cared about was screaming—voice be damned.

    FUN FACTNER: Recording
Searching for Major Tom
is the reason there was almost a 
$#*! My Dad Says
episode called “Ed Needs a Lozenge.”
    I began to school myself in the metal arts. There is now Iron Maiden on my iPod. They are one of the few artists on my iPod. And they have so far made nice with the assorted jazz tunes and NPR podcasts I’ve downloaded. Although I think
Fear of the Dark
can most certainly beat up
A Prairie Home Companion
.
RULE: Keep Your
Prairie Home Companion
References to a Minimum While Promoting Your Heavy Metal Album
    And with the album done, I found myself in a stretch limousine, headed off to the Golden Gods Awards. I didn’t know what awaited me. Elizabeth and I wore black, I knew that much. And I tried to prep for all the questions I’d be asked on the black carpet.
    QUESTIONS ASKED OF WILLIAM SHATNER ON THE BLACK CARPET OF THE REVOLVER GOLDEN GODS AWARDS
     
    Why are you here?
    What are you doing here?
    Why the hell are you here?
    Do
you
know where you are?
    Seriously, why are you here?
    Do you know where I can get my parking validated, dude?
    I eventually made it down the carpet, enjoyed a long interview with former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach, posed for pictures with Sebastian Bach, and then later entertained more questions from Sebastian Bach. Dude’s got a mancrush!
    Eventually we made it to my shared Metallica waiting area. They still hadn’t showed up when it was time for me to be presented with my award. Elizabeth took the RESERVED FOR METALLICA/WILLIAM SHATNER sign as a souvenir. That’s a pairing that shouldn’t happen. There is such a thing as “too” metal.
    Backstage, it occurred to me that I hadn’t prepared a speech. This was unlike me, especially after lecturing Ben (fold) Folds about preparation and punctuality. I began to go over a few of the things I could say to win over the crowd of metalheads.
    “I have gone where no man has gone before. And tonight—I go to eleven!”
    “There’s a hearse in the parking lot with its lights on, license plate 666.”
    “All hail Satan!”
    I had nothing, and then they called my name. The crowd roared.
    And they roared metal. Raw, uninhibited, pure energy. Before me was a sea of people, men and women, all clad in black with leather, spikes, and studs everywhere, cheering me on.
    Had any of them ever spent a Saturday afternoon listening to the Metropolitan Opera with their father? Who knows—maybe? All music has the power to unite people. And metal has united these people strong. They are welded to the sound.
    I finally got to the mic, and all I could feel was the energy and emotion of the crowd. I was handed my statue (of Stonehenge—a tribute to Spinal Tap), I raised it aloft and shouted . . .
    “FUCKING GNARLY!”
    I think I was using it right.

FOURTH RULE FOR TURNING 80: Get. Out. Of. Bed.
    A nd this may be the most important rule of all. You don’t necessarily have to be eighty for it to be important. But if you are eighty, it is something you must do.
    When I turned forty, I didn’t get out of bed for three days.
    Forty was tough. I was divorced. I was often not employed to the level I wanted to be. I had just come off the road from touring in summer stock and dinner theater productions, living out of a truck.
    Not “living out of a truck” the way one “lives out of a suitcase.” I was living in a truck. With my dog. When I would travel from town to town, I would shower inside the theater, perform, greet the fans, and then go to bed in a truck. Clearly my finances were not what they should have been.
RULE: You Can’t Be a Swinging Bachelor If Your Bachelor Pad Gets Towed for Being Too Close to a Hydrant
    It’s hard being broke when you’re an actor. In most any other profession, if you hit rock bottom, if