Silence Of The Hams

there, too, standing in for them. And he was as proud of Mike as a real grandfather. Jane’s brother-in-law Ted was there as well, doing his best to be a substitute dad. Ted’s wife, Dixie Lee, presented Mike with an envelope containing a surprisingly generous check, and Jane’s sister Marty, with her instinctive bad timing, called just as they started eating to wish Mike a great graduation.
    “It’s too bad your parents couldn’t make it here for the big day,“ Thelma said as they were finishing up what everyone agreed was the best cherry cobbler Jane had ever made.
    Mike, recognizing this as the sly criticism it was meant to be, fluffed up like an offended rooster. “Grumps is halfway around the world and they’re hosting a diplomatic meeting that’s been planned for two years.“
    “Oh, I didn’t mean to imply—”
    Jane had to start clearing the table to hide her smile.
    “Gotta go, Mom. Everybody,“ Mike said.
    “Mike! You’re not wearing Bermuda shorts to graduate, are you?“ Jane exclaimed.
    “It doesn’t make any difference. We’re all wearing those silly long black dresses anyway, and the party after graduation is casual.”
    When Mike had gone, twirling his cap and carrying the hated gown as if it were a lab experiment gone wrong, Thelma said to Katie, “When I graduated from high school, we wore long white gowns and carried roses. It was girls’ school—”
    While Thelma told her story, which Jane feared would make Katie think going to an exclusive private school might be fun, Jane and Uncle Jim finished clearing the table.
    “Sorry your folks aren’t here, honey?“ he said as he rinsed the dishes and handed them to her to put in the dishwasher.
    “Not at all. We’ve got you,“ she said, giving him a peck on the cheek.
    “You’ve raised a good boy, Janey.“
    “I’ve had a lot of help. And if you say one more nice thing, I’ll burst into tears and have to be led, sobbing uncontrollably, to the graduation. I’m having a real sappy week.”

9

    The graduation was marvelous. It had all the sentimentality such occasions deserved. The valedictorian gave a talk that relied much too heavily on a thesaurus and was virtually incomprehensible, but had the virtue of relative brevity. The school orchestra, even without the seniors playing, did a more than credible “Pomp and Circumstance.“ A local minister gave a short inspirational talk that managed to suggest prayer without actually indulging in it. The teacher who read the graduates’ names had done her job well, and as far as Jane could tell, didn’t mispronounce a single one. She even breezed through the exchange students easily.
    The graduates all looked beautiful, even the oily-haired, pimpled ones. It was that kind of event.
    Todd was bored senseless; Katie was enthralled; Thelma watched like a hawk for glitches and found precious little to criticize. Mel, who met them at the stadium at the last moment, merely looked glad to sit down. Jane’s sister-in-law Dixie Lee, who had no children, but had recently suffered a second miscarriage, cried more than Jane. And Ted, normally an extremely quiet, reserved man, astonished them all, including himself probably, by yelping approval when Mike’s name was called out.
    The system for keeping all the graduates sober and safe meant they were all funneled directly from the ceremony into the school building. Thelma was indignant until Jane explained that families could go into the school to congratulate their own—if they thought they could find them in the melee. Ted and Dixie Lee offered to wait in the car for her, but were persuaded instead to take Todd and Katie home. Jane’s Uncle Jim volunteered to accompany Thelma on her quest and drive her home. Considering that he could hardly stand to be in the same room with her, it was a credit to his devotion to Jane’s family and his gentlemanly instincts—or perhaps to his long military training in coping with the enemy and a longing to brush up his skills—that he made this offer.
    As they headed toward the building, someone put a hand on Jane’s arm. She turned, and it took her a moment to place the woman speaking to her. It was Emma Weyrich, the aerobics instructor who had also been Robert Stonecipher’s paralegal.
    “Emma, what are you doing here?“ Jane asked. “Do you have a child graduating?”
    This was the wrong thing to say. Emma was too young for that and took offense. “Of course not. My sister’s daughter