Silence Of The Hams

divorce, told her husband, and he said the dreaded words—’No money.’ They argued about it all day and the flames burst out again while they were in the deli. Suddenly it crossed her mind that she’d come out a lot better as a widow than as a divorcee.”
    Jane considered it. “Yeah, maybe. But could she possibly be naive enough to think he’d just open his checkbook and say, ‘Go in peace, my child’? I don’t think so. She’s not stupid and she knew him well. As smart as she is, she’d probably changed all their bank accounts to her name only before she ever told him about the divorce.“
    “But there might not have been much free cash to convert to her name,“ Shelley said. “If all their assets were in stocks or bonds or something, it wouldn’t be possible for her to latch on to much of it. And from what we know about Stonecipher, he seems the compulsive type who’d stash his money away pretty carefully in blue-chip investments the minute it came in.“
    “The thing wrong with this is that it goes back to planning. In the first place, I can’t imagine Rhonda letting go of the source of her funds. She had to know that divorcing him was really going to cut into her budget. So she’d be better off financially if he were dead.
    If we suppose that she’s capable of murder, why didn’t she make a good plan to start with and kill him off?”
    Shelley got up and poured the coffee. “I don’t know. Maybe she’d decided that even the money didn’t make it worth living with him, but he was even uglier about it than she anticipated.“
    “How do you mean?“ Jane said, blowing on her drink.
    “Oh, maybe he’d seen it coming and put everything they owned into a corporation in his name.“
    “Can you do that?“
    “I think if you’re a sharp, stingy attorney who thinks his wife is about to make off with your money, there are a lot of things you can do. Remember that doctor who used to live on the other side of Suzie’s house? He divorced his wife and went right out, bought a huge house with a pool, drove his fancy cars, lived like a king with his bimbo girlfriend, and she and the kids had to go on welfare.”
    Jane nodded. “Maybe Stonecipher threatened to dump Tony, too. If he knew about their relationship—if there is a relationship.“
    “Maybe,“ Shelley allowed. “But wouldn’t a sharp young attorney be able to make it on his own?“
    “If he is sharp. He may be a lousy attorney—with great legs and to-die-for eyes.“
    “Then why would Stonecipher take him on?“
    “To have someone to do the boring, routine stuff and attract a lot of women clients?“ Jane suggested. “But let’s assume he was bright. Why couldn’t he be the murderer?“
    “In cahoots with Rhonda?“
    “Let’s say not,“ Jane said. “Suppose Rhonda flings herself at him, says she’s divorcing her husband and wants him instead? If he has any sense, he knows he’s about to acquire a very expensive woman and will probably end up out of a job besides. Assuming he’s interested in acquiring her, what better way to handle it than to get Robert out of the way entirely? He’d get the woman, the business, all the money.”
    Shelley got up and topped off her coffee. “But we’re back to planning versus passion again. This scenario for Tony presumes cold-blooded premeditation, and shoving a rack of hams onto someone in a crowded deli is stupid and dangerous. It seems like a real fluke that anybody got away with it.”
    Jane sighed. “That’s the real problem, isn’t it? Why would anybody take a chance like that? It really had to be a spur-of-the-moment thing to do. It’s too dumb to be anything else. Or we’re too dumb to see the truth.“
    “Stick your turkey in the oven and take your nap,“ Shelley said as she got up and rinsed out her coffee cup. “Maybe your subconscious will work out the answer.“
    “You’ve got a lot more faith in my subconscious than I do.“
    “I have no faith whatsoever in your subconscious, but if you try to serve your mother-in-law an undercooked turkey breast, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

    The turkey was a great success. So was the dressing, the mashed potatoes, the gravy, and the corn casserole. In fact, Thelma Jeffry couldn’t find anything to complain about except that cranberry sauce gave her a rash. “Then don’t eat any, Grandma,“ Todd suggested sensibly.
    Jane’s honorary uncle Jim, a former army officer and lifelong friend of her parents, was