Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

good-night to Kathie. He yawned, then slid between the sheets. Don Miles nearly burst a rib trying to keep quiet during the next half-minute of silence which was then broken by a howl from the other side of the door.
    ' ''Jesus Christ!" came Gillie's voice. "Kathy! What the hell..." By this time he was out of bed and the lights went on in the room. Gillie was last seen rushing out of the other bedroom door yelling. "Chief, chief," he hollered. "Where are you, you..."
    'The sight of him dashing down the hotel corridor, where we presently found him, was worth a million

    dollars. Gillie, we noticed, wore a red flannel nightshirt down to his ankles and with this thing flapping about and a damned great fish in his arms, he looked like an escapee from a nuthouse. We even got the house detective on the phone, telling him that there was a madman on the penthouse floor rushing about in a red nightshirt with a barracuda in his hand. Poor Glister was nearly locked up - and he didn't think it too hilariously funny at the time, either!'
    - from All Arms and Elbows, the autobiography of high-spirited racing driver, the late Innes Ireland.
     

     
    A man who lived at a smart Chelsea address became thoroughly fed up with a dog-owner who constantly allowed his pet to foul the footway right in front of his house. Over and over again he would set off for work and step right in it.
    Eventually he decided enough was enough so he kept vigil from early one morning until the culprits, as usual, stopped right outside his house and the dog did its business. Instead of confronting them he quietly followed them back to their home and noted their address.
    Later, when the urge hit him, he collected a large offering of his own and wrapped it in newspaper. He went to the dog-owner's house and put it, newspaper and all, on his front doorstep. Quickly he set fire to the paper, rang the doorbell and ran away to the safety of a pillar on the other side of the street. He was able to watch the horrified dog owner jump all over the burning package, thus spreading its contents all over his shoes and the doormat.
     

     

     
    When Edward and Lizzie Hughes invited their friends the Stevens for the weekend they didn't consider the implications when they asked whether they could bring their dog. 'Sure,' they said, but soon regretted their bonhomie.
    On arrival the big, floppy Bassett hound jumped up and laddered Lizzie's tights, it went around hoovering the food (including all the snacks and some of their supper) and proceeded to howl endlessly. Enough, thought Edward, none of us will sleep tonight with this racket. He wrapped a Mogadon in a piece of leftover steak and slipped it to the dog. Peace reigned. It wasn't until noon the following day that they found the dog. It was fast asleep and snoring blissfully in the herbaceous border.
     

     
    Keif was a beagley-mongrel who belonged to Jane Stonborough's family when she was little. He was the most intelligent and dignified dog, and he was responsible for the only case of genuine canine revenge we have encountered.
    Jane's cousin Derish came over to their house one day and, after lunch, lit a huge cigar. Derish delighted in tormenting Keif - over and over again he would take a huge puff and blow it right into the face of Keif, who responded with great dignity for a while. Finally Keif could take it no more and walked away... to Derish's bedroom. Jumping on to the table, he took the other cigar in his mouth and returned to the drawing room. He then walked up to where Derish was sitting, broke the cigar into pieces and dropped it at Derish's feet, whereupon he sat down and stared at the man in a manner that can only be interpreted as contempt.
     

     
    'It was, for me at least, love at first sight,' said Jane Capp about her boyfriend Tom. Tom swept her off her feet with flowers and romantic weekends in the country. 'We really hit it off both in and out of bed,' she added, 'I thought I'd met the man of my dreams.'
    She hadn't. Tom was spotted canoodling with a mystery girl by a friend of Jane's. When Jane confronted Tom his attitude was 'what you don't know can't hurt you'. 'But I did know and it did hurt me,' said Jane. 'I wanted to buy him something that would tell him exactly how I felt.'
    With this thought in mind she went to a pet shop, bought a dead white rat, attached a tag to its leg saying 'Tom' and then she posted it to him. 'I think he got the message,' said Jane.
     

     
    A naughty stable