The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

thought Fiona was going to blow me off because she launched into the kind of drawn-out story about visiting a long-lost relative that I would make up if I wanted to get out of doing something. But she just called back and she’s gonna go. I don’t know if this makes me gay or not, but I think she would be interesting to be friends with.
    Â Â Â Â Â  MARCH 1997, NEW YORK
    In true rock star form, I picked up Fiona to go to Private Parts in a white limo. And in true anti-rock star form, she came out makeupless with uncombed hair. This was my first celebrity big-deal event, and I didn’t know how to behave at all. There was this red carpet and apparently you were supposed to walk down it and let people take photos of you, but I was kind of confused. I walked down a few steps, thought I was going the wrong way, then came back to the car. Then somebody told me that I was supposed to be walking on the red carpet, so I went halfway down, then got scared because I didn’t know if I was supposed to stop or not. Meanwhile, a bunch of media cornered Fiona and she got mixed up doing an interview with Flavor Flav. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was so aggravated. It’s not my scene to sit around and schmooze with a bunch of assholes who don’t know who you are but pretend like they do. Fiona decided she was gonna leave and I wasn’t really even disappointed because I felt bad for how overwhelmed she was.
    I went upstairs with Twiggy, who was with us, and ran into Flavor Flav. We high-fived and we danced around. I couldn’t see his eyes, but if I could have he probably would have been giving me the wink that people who use drugs give to one another, whether it’s for real or it’s in your mind. I was impressed with the fact that he didn’t know who Marilyn Manson was, though I’m not sure if he even knew who he was because he was definitely out of his fucking head. At that point I ran into Billy Corgan, and I immediately gave him some muscle relaxants I had in my pocket. We decided that they made us feel “fruity,” and then we decided that that would be a great name for a band to start together. So we began having a long, in-depth meeting inspired by the fruity drug to create a fruit-filled experience called Fruity, which will probably never happen because I don’t know where I put those pills.
    I was surprised that Billy was cool because I thought he’d be a total asshole from all the spiritual hate mail I had gotten over the years from Trent, who allegedly despises Billy over an alleged conflict allegedly dealing with Courtney because when Trent allegedly fucked Courtney, which he says he didn’t, Billy allegedly fucked Trent’s alleged girlfriend, which he allegedly says he did, or so I’m told.
    Then I tried to give the fruity pills to Conan O’Brien, telling him they were Prozac and he looked like he could use them. He just smiled with that weird creepy baby head of his and walked away to talk to a friend. I gave him the finger, and he just laughed. It’s amazing the things that you can get away with when something looks wrong with one of your eyes, you have badly applied makeup, you’re six-foot-three and you’re accompanied by some weirdo with the front of his head shaved who looks like a cross between Gregory Hines and a Klingon on crack undergoing radiation therapy. (If you’re reading this Twiggy, I’m sorry.) Then I think we ran into Tom Arnold, who was all sweaty and anxious and racy and basically looked like he was on speed of some sort. I asked him where the drugs were because I was giving him that same wink that I had imagined exchanging with Flavor Flav earlier. And he just joked, “Shhh,” and I said, “All right, well call me.”
    As I was trying to walk downstairs, someone pulled me aside and said, “Come do this interview.” So me, Billy, Twiggy and Billy’s girlfriend walked over to this couch where Howard Stern was broadcasting from. Joan Rivers was standing across from us. It was loud and chaotic and no one could hear anything anyone was saying (except us, because we had headphones on). Joan Rivers was holding up a sign that said, “I need to talk to you.” So I felt like I had to explain what was going on to Howard, because it was all being filmed for television. I joked that Joan had given me a blow job in the bathroom and now she was stalking me and I