This Is Where I Leave You

women, and our eyes meet. And maybe I’m projecting here, but I would swear, at that moment, that he’s fighting back a smile that, unhindered, would split his face in two.

    3:50 p.m.
    Arlene’s fall effectively clears the house, which frees everyone else to weigh in on the news that I’m going to be a father. Mom: If it’s a boy, I hope you’ll consider naming him for your father. Linda: That’s wonderful, Judd. I think you’ll be a great father. Wendy: Jen is three months along? She doesn’t even have a baby bump yet. You’d better make sure she’s eating. Phillip: Wade may have won the battle, but you won the war. At least your boys can swim!
    Tracy: That’s wonderful, Judd. If you frame this with a positive attitude, it will be the greatest experience of your life. Paul: This means I might have to rethink my theory that Jen left you because you’re gay.
    Phillip: I’m going to be an uncle.
    Wendy: Dumb shit. You already are an uncle.
    Phillip: I meant again.
    Mom: Presumably, Jen’s relationship with Wade is intensely sexual. This could very well be the end of them. Her priorities are going to change. You could start fresh.
    Barry: New York is preparing the documents. We’ll have to massage the interest rates a little bit, but we’ll push it through. Believe me, in this economy, ever yone wants this deal to happen.

Chapter 25
    4:20 p.m.
    Ryan and Cole are in the pool. Cole wears Spider-Man water wings on his arms to keep him afloat. He and Ryan are engaged in an endless cycle of jumping in off the side and then climbing out to jump in again. Wendy sits suspended over the water on the far edge of the diving board, flipping through a tabloid magazine, while I pick at a platter of pastries on one of the lounge chairs. Serena is asleep in her carriage under an umbrella. The sun is just receding beyond the perimeter of the yard, and the mosquitoes haven’t yet emerged. It’s the best time to be outside.
    “My God, I’m fat,” Wendy says, looking through pictures of starving starlets.
    “You just had a baby, give yourself a break.”
    “I had a baby seven months ago. I’ve been dieting and running every day, and everything in my strike zone still feels like the blob. I won’t even change in front of Barry.”
    “I feel like I’ve put on some weight myself,” I say, biting into a marzipan-coated petit four.
    She looks me over critically. “You are looking a little soft in the middle there. You may want to watch that. After all, you’re going to be getting naked in front of new women now.”
    “From your mouth to God’s ear.”
    Wendy laughs. “Jen had an incredible body. I would kill for her legs. And tits. And ass. I hope you’re not holding out for another one like that. They’re few and far between, and they generally don’t put out for unemployed divorcees with no abs.”
    “Well, you know my motto. If at first you don’t succeed, lower your standards.”
    “Mommy!” Ryan calls. “Watch me.”
    “Okay, honey,” Wendy says absently, still looking down at the magazine. “Well, we can only hope that this pregnancy will leave Jen with stretch marks and a belly flap. No mother should have a stomach that flat. It’s just unfair.”
    “I saw Penny today.”
    Wendy puts down the magazine. “Penny Moore? How’d she look?”
    “I don’t know. She looked good.”
    “Is she married? Divorced? Kids? What?”
    “She’s not married. She teaches skating and works evenings at the store.”
    “Our store? She worked for Dad?”
    “Yup.”
    “So, Penny Moore is going to be your rebound. That’s fantastic.”
    “No. I just ran into her.”
    “Serves her right after the way she led you on in high school.”
    “She didn’t lead me on and she’s not going to be my anything. She’s just an old friend.”
    “She cock-teased you for your entire senior year. And if she didn’t mean anything, then why did you mention it?”
    “I’m just making conversation.”
    “I’m your sister, Judd. You don’t make conversation with your sister. You wanted to say her name.”
    “And now I wish I hadn’t.”
    “Oh, grow up. Your wife left you and you haven’t had sex in forever.
    You’ve got a kid coming, and God only knows what kind of mess that’s going to be. That pregnancy may be the best thing that ever happened to you, but it’s a ticking clock. You’ve got six months or so to get your shit together, to be ready to be a father and start caring for someone other than