Unseen Academicals

other with the help of an even older book of etiquette written by nuns.
    ‘It’s a long time until lunch. * I tell you what, why don’t you accept the hospitality of my university? I believe we have left your room exactly as it was, although I understand some quite amazing things have crawled out under the door. And perhaps you might like to stay on for tomorrow’s banquet?’
    ‘Oh? Are you having a banquet?’ said Henry.
    ‘Indeed so, and I would be delighted if you would accept, old boy. We’ll be entertaining some of the solid citizenry. Salt-of-the-earth fellows, you understand. Wonderful people if you don’t watch them eat, but quite good conversationalists if you give them enough beer.’
    ‘Funnily enough, I find that works with wizards too. Well, I must accept, of course. I haven’t been to a banquet in ages.’
    ‘You haven’t?’ said Ridcully. ‘I thought you would have a banquet every night.’
    ‘We have a limited budget, you know,’ said the Archchancellor of Brazeneck. ‘It’s a governmental grant thing, you see.’
    The wizards fell silent. It was as if a man had just told you his mother had died.
    Ridcully patted him on the hand. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ He paused at the doors of the Hall and turned back to Ponder. ‘We will be having some high-level discussions, Stibbons. Keep them on their toes! The lads will help! Find out what football wants to be!’
    The older members of the faculty exhaled as the two heads left. Most of them were old enough to recall at least two pitched battles among factions of wizards, the worst of which had only been brought to a conclusion by Rincewind, wielding a half-brick in a sock…
    Ponder looked across at Rincewind now, and he was hopping awkwardly on one leg, trying to put a sock back on. He thought it better not to comment. It was probably the same sock.
    The Chair of Indefinite Studies slapped Ponder on the back. ‘Well done, lad. Could have been a nasty incident there.’
    ‘Thank you, sir.’
    ‘I’m sorry we seem to have loaded you down a bit. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate.’
    ‘I’m sure it wasn’t, too, sir. Very little around here is.’ Ponder sighed. ‘I’m afraid that unthinking delegation and prevarication and procrastination are standard practice here.’ He looked expectantly at the remaining members of the Council. He wanted to be disappointed, but knew he wouldn’t be.
    ‘A very bad state of affairs indeed,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    The Chair looked grave. ‘Hm…’
    So go on, thought Ponder, say it. I know you’re going to, you just won’t be able to stop yourself, you really won’t—
    ‘I think, Stibbons, that you should sort it out when you have a moment,’ said the Chair.
    ‘Bingo!’
    ‘I beg your pardon, Stibbons?’
    ‘Oh, nothing, sir, not really. I was just pondering, as it were, on the unchangeable nature of the universe.’
    ‘I’m glad somebody is. Keep it up.’ The Lecturer in Recent Runes looked around and added, ‘It all seems to have quietened down. That curry sounds amusing.’
    There was a general movement towards the doors on the part of those wizards who were well endowed with years, gravitation or both, but the scratch match went on among those less magnetically attracted to knives and forks.
    Ponder sat down, his clipboard balanced on his lap. ‘I don’t have the faintest idea what I’m doing here,’ he declared to the world around him.
    ‘May I be of some worth, sir?’
    ‘Mister Nutt? Oh, well, it’s very kind of you, but I don’t think that your skill with a candle can be of much—’
    ‘In games of this nature there are three classes of things to be considered: one, the rules of the game in all their detail; two the correct skills, actions and philosophies required for success, and three, an understanding of the real nature of the game. May I continue?’
    ‘Huh,’ said Ponder, in that slight daze that overcame everyone hearing a Nutt lecture for the first time.
    ‘Got a fine jaw on him, ain’t he?’ said Trev. ‘He can say the long words where the likes of you an’ me would ’ave to stop for a rest ’alfway through! Me, anyway,’ he trailed off.
    ‘Er, do continue, Mister Nutt.’
    ‘Thank you, sir. As I understand it, the purpose of this game is to score at least one more goal than your opponents. But our two teams just ran around, with everyone trying to kick the ball at once. Oh, goals were scored, but only opportunistically. As in