Alien vs. Alien

said Operation, it seemed logical for her to stick around.
    “Magdalena says she doesn’t like birds much.”
    “Uh-huh. Did she say that before or after Bellie tried to take her hand off?”
    Jeff had the grace to look a little guilty. “After.”
    “Right. So this bird loves men, and she clearly adores you, but she doesn’t like women, and she hates me already, because I’m your wife.”
    “I’m sure it’s just because she doesn’t know you yet.”
    “Right. Well, if she so much as puts a beak or claw in Jamie’s general direction, she’s dinner. Otherwise, don’t let me intrude upon your love that knows no bounds.” I had an awful thought. “Where is this bird sleeping?”
    “Bellie sleeps with me.”
    “Not any more she doesn’t.” Wow. I’d been gone a month, and if someone had asked who I’d guess my husband might have a torrid love affair with in my absence, a lunatic’s African Gray Parrot wouldn’t have even made my top thousand guesses. “And she sleeps in a cage, because I don’t want to be murdered in my sleep.”
    “If you insist.”
    “I emphatically insist.” I looked around the room. The dog beds weren’t against the wall. “Where have the dogs been sleeping?”
    Jeff mumbled something.
    “What? Didn’t catch that.”
    “They don’t like Bellie. So I put them in the nursery. Along with the Poofs and cats. I move the Poof Condos out during the day,” he added quickly, as if that were going to make it alright.
    I was honestly speechless. No advice, no comic, no movie, no TV show, had prepared me for this kind of rival for my husband’s affections.
    Fortunately, the many things I wanted to say were forestalled by a voice on the intercom. “Chiefs, it’s Walter. You’re needed.”

    Yi

CHAPTER 15

    “N EEDED WHERE, WALT?”
    “Naomi asked me to let you know that you’re fine to rejoin them any time you want, Chief Katt-Martini.”
    “Great, be there in a bit,” Jeff said.
    “Ah, I think they’d like you there sooner than later, Chief.”
    Animal greetings or no, I’d still hoped to at least fit in a quickie while the girls calmed Chuckie down. Of course, Jamie was wide awake, and the people waiting for us seemed impatient. On the other hand, it’d been a month and I’d been horny for Jeff from the first hour we were apart.
    “Does Bellie want to go for a visit?” Jeff asked. The bird, not me. In a voice normally reserved for our daughter, only.
    I looked at the bird. Bellie looked right back at me. Before this experience in surreal horror, I’d have said the only animals capable of looking smug were felines. I reversed that judgment. The bird looked smugger than I’d have thought possible.
    “Bellie missed Jeff,” the bird shared as she rubbed her head up against his cheek.
    “And Jeff missed Bellie,” he shared right back.
    Well, that did it for me. There was no way I was going to be in an amorous mood while that bird was around. “Great, Walt. We’ll be right there.”
    “I’ll let Naomi know, Chief Katt-Martini.”
    “The bird stays here,” I said after the com went off.
    “Why?” Jeff seemed completely unaware of my emotional state.
    “Because Jamie’s coming with us, and I don’t want that bird around Jamie.”
    “Her name is Bellie.”
    “Her name is going to be Carcass if you don’t put her away in a really sturdy cage.”
    d">Jeff looked hurt and disappointed, but didn’t argue. While I settled the Poofs, dogs, and cats down, and moved the dog beds back into our room, Jeff took care of Bellie. Apparently she didn’t go into her cage without a romantic interlude with my husband and several bird treats. It was official—I hated the bird.
    Bird hatred gave me energy—I wasn’t nearly as tired as I had been, so that was one for the win column. I slung my purse back over my shoulder and looked inside. Happily, Harlie, Poofikins, and several other unnamed Poofs were snuggled up inside, snoozing.
    Jamie needed neither feeding nor changing, the benefits of her having been with Lucinda while I was out being She-Hulk. I slung the diaper bag over my other shoulder, Jamie clutched her purring Poof, I picked her up and the two of us, at least, were ready to go. Jeff was still saying good-bye to Bellie. I wondered if I could ask Chuckie to have some shadowy C.I.A. killer off the bird for me, but figured he was too upset to broach the subject at this precise time.
    No problem. There was always tomorrow.
    I stalked out of the bedroom