Baby Be Mine

his finger.
    ‘And you gave Barney the watch, too,’ I point out, remembering the platinum timepiece that’s still buried in my nappy bag.
    ‘Drop in the ocean, Nutmeg, drop in the ocean.’
    ‘Stop calling me Nutmeg.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Just stop.’
    He chuckles, infuriatingly. The truck driver gets out of his cab and comes over to us with some paperwork.
    ‘You don’t want to make him take it away again,’ Johnny says in a soothing tone. ‘Think of poor Lena, all the effort she went to, to find it in time.’
    I glare at him and take the pen from the driver. Again I wonder what Lena is like, what she must think of me. I turn back to Johnny and point the pen at him accusingly. ‘Okay, but I’m paying you back.’ I sign my name where the driver indicates.
    Johnny grabs Barney and swings him up onto his shoulders. The truck driver holds the keys out to Johnny, but he nods his head in my direction. I take them with building excitement, even though I don’t feel like I have the right to be excited about anything right now.
    ‘Come on, let’s go and see your mum’s new car,’ he says over the roar of the truck engine. A sandy cloud of dust puffs in our direction as the truck makes off down the hill. We walk over to the car.
    ‘What’s Lena like?’ Curiosity has got the better of me.
    ‘She’s great,’ he enthuses, breaking off to go to the front passenger seat. ‘Married,’ he adds with a knowing look at me over the car roof.
    Married? Relief surges through me, but I’m instantly annoyed with myself.
    Johnny climbs in and I follow suit. This car is left-hand drive – Christian’s Alfa is right-hand drive because we brought it from the UK – but it shouldn’t be too hard to get used to the change.
    Barney sits on Johnny’s knee and leans forward to press the dials and knobs on the dashboard. I glance at him, so comfortable on the knee of someone he hardly knows. A child’s innocence. I hope it’s true that young children adapt quickly to new situations. I hope so with all my heart.
    I don’t want to stay another night in our house without Christian, so Johnny helps me switch the car seats from Christian’s Alfa and load up all our bags – most of which are the plastic shopping variety as only one of our suitcases is actually mine. I’ve told Barney we’re going to stay with Nanny and Grandad, and he’s too young to understand it’s anything out of the ordinary. Earlier I asked Johnny to take Barney out for a walk while I tidied the house for Christian; it’s going to be hard enough for him walking back into it empty. I write him a letter and leave it on the coffee table in the living room. There’s nothing in it that I haven’t already said, but I want him to have something solid that reminds him how much I love him and how sorry I am. I hope he reads it before tearing it up.
    Johnny leaves before we do. He’s not the sort to stand and wave goodbye.
    ‘Thank you for all your help this last couple of days,’ I say as he sits astride his Ducatti with his helmet still on the handlebars. I feel awkward trying to convey my appreciation. ‘Have a good flight home. I hope Dana’s gig goes well.’ It’s hard to say the last part, but I feel it’s necessary.
    Johnny nods towards Barney. ‘I want to come back and see him again soon.’
    ‘Sure.’
    ‘Your parents are in Grasse, is that what you said?’
    ‘Yes. The nearest airport is Nice.’
    ‘I’ll call you next week to sort something out.’
    ‘Okay.’ I feel pleased.
    He pulls his helmet on, leaving the visor up. ‘See ya, buddy,’ he says to Barney, ruffling his hair. ‘See ya,’ he says to me and his green eyes look more intense because that’s all I can see of his face. Then he flips his visor down and starts up the ignition. He roars away, leaving me alone with my son.
    We’re going to have to get used to this. But I appreciated the distraction while we had it.
    Buckled into our respective car seats, I stare out of the window at our little house in Cucugnan. Lonely though it was at times, I did love it here. I don’t know if I’ll ever return.
    I breathe in deeply and the smell of the new leather interiors fills my nostrils.
    ‘Okay, baby?’ I say to Barney in the rear-view mirror.
    ‘Da-da-da-da-da,’ he babbles.
    My heart splinters into pieces and I drive away from the kerb.

 
  Chapter 19  
    My parents live in a two-storey cream-coloured villa with dark-wood shutters and leafy green vines