Bullheaded

tomcatting around, he hadn’t allowed other men to fuck him, Cody wanted to thank him. “I should have asked—I didn’t mean to force you—”
    “You did great,” Johnny assured him. “It was perfect.”
    “I would have taken more time to—”
    “Shut up.”
    Cody shut up as ordered, even though he had so much he wanted to say. But Johnny snuggled backward against him and he tightened his arms around him, grateful for another chance to hold his partner. Then he yawned. Much as he wanted to savor the moment and think all kinds of deep thoughts about how things would be different this time, male conditioning and emotional exhaustion got to him and all he really wanted was to sleep.
    So he did.

    C ODY woke up to find Johnny pulling on his clothes in the dark. “What’s up?” he demanded, instantly on alert. He could have kicked himself for giving in to his stupid need to sleep.
    “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Johnny buttoned his shirt and came over to kiss Cody. “I’ve got to get going. Vern’ll leave without me if I’m not on time.”
    “Stay with me.” Cody tried to pull him down onto the bed. “I’ll make sure you get to the next event. Buy you a plane ticket.”
    Johnny pulled away frowning. “Weren’t you listening last time? I’m committed to traveling with my team. They helped me out and I’m not going to bail on them without a word.”
    “Chris is back with them. I’m sure they can handle it if just this once, you—”
    “No. I’m going.” Johnny shouldered his bag and strode to the door.
    “We didn’t talk yet.” Cody was aware his voice was raised as he got more frantic to make Johnny stay.
    “Seems like we had other stuff on our minds,” Johnny said. “It was great, but I have to leave.”
    “We didn’t get anything settled. I want things to be back like they were. You have to—”
    “I’ll see you around.”
    “Fuck! Fucking running away again!” Cody snapped gruffly.
    They glared at each other.
    “You’re right. I am running away, but you just push too damn hard.” Johnny leaned against the door as if he couldn’t wait to get out of the room. “Sorry. Maybe I’ll catch you at the next stop.”
    Even though he was glad to hear Johnny admit it, Cody was irked he was the first to apologize. “Yeah, well, you’re right too. I don’t listen to what I don’t want to hear. And I’m sorry for saying my slump is on you. It’s my own damn fault I can’t stay the course for eight seconds.”
    “Yeah, damn right about that at least.” Johnny checked his watch. “Listen, I gotta go. Vern will pull out without me if I’m not on time.”
    “I want things to be like they were.” Frustrated, Cody smacked his palm on the bed. “How are we going to work this out if you keep leaving?”
    “I don’t know.” Johnny looked sadder than when he’d left Cody at the ranch. “I don’t know if we can.”

    W HY does he always have to push so damn hard? Johnny realized he was running, and his boots weren’t built for a race. He slowed to a walk. Always has to get what he wants. Before he knew it, he was jogging again. At least he wouldn’t be late for Vern. He still had to pack his gear, but it was only 2:20 a.m. and Vern wasn’t planning to leave until four.
    He stopped and took out his phone, flipping aimlessly through the numbers. He stopped when he reached March’s number. Johnny stood staring at it, remembering the night with his silver bear. He guessed he really shouldn’t be calling March his silver bear. He hesitated, wanting to call the man but feeling as though it would be disloyal to Cody to discuss their business. And besides, what would he ask March? What did he really want?
    Changing Cody was out of the question. Not only was he a stubborn bastard, but Johnny kind of liked how he was, his warmth, his confidence—the word pulled him up short and he realized why he’d been thinking of March.
    His silver bear had that same kind of confidence, both sexual and personal; March was self-assured, virile, and had all the attributes of a dominant man. And yet he, Johnny, had had no trouble preventing March from taking what he wanted. He’d said no instead of running away, confident he could stop March.
    So what was the difference?
    Johnny shook his head at himself. It didn’t matter with March; he’d had nothing to lose except maybe one night’s hookup. It was different with Cody. He loved Cody. He didn’t want to lose him. Johnny leaned