Days of Love and Blood

mean?”
    “I don’t wanna talk about her.”
    “Why are you here?”
    “’Cause of what you said and ‘cause I saw you. I saw you and Ben. I saw him holding your hand. I wanted to get out of my truck and punch him in the face. But I didn’t ‘cause of what you said to Jayde.”
    My muscles tensed and I felt my cheeks redden. He wasn’t supposed to hear any of that. It wasn’t fair. It made me vulnerable. I hated to feel that way.
    “I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I don’t do things right. Not no more. My mind is so fucked up, sometimes I’m not even sure what’s real - if this is real. But I know that the only time it feels real is when I’m ‘round you. Like I have a purpose. Like there’s a reason why I’m still here. I haven’t been able to say nothin’ ‘cause I don’t wanna fuck up what we have. The only time I don’t feel this intense pain and rage is when I’m around you or yer son. For jus’ a little while, whenever I’m with you, I forget. And the pain goes away.
    “ And then Ben - he comes along and can say whatever the fuck he wants to say. He can say what I wanna say and act the way I wanna act. I got scared. I’m gonna lose you ‘cause I’m too slow - ‘cause I’m too afraid. ‘Cause I liked things the way they were. ‘Cause I was content jus’ to be next to you. Fuck. And here’s this guy who can jus’ walk right up to you and start talkin’ to you the day after ya meet. It pissed me off. I wanna tear his face off.
    “ I’ve been afraid to tell you - scared to tell you - like a fuckin’ pussy. I don’t wanna look like that guy - like a coward - like I can’t even fuckin’ talk to a girl. But it isn’t just any girl. It’s you and only you. Sometimes I only wanna be near you because it’s the only thing that makes me feel better and when I am, I can’t even look at you because I get too nervous.
    “ And then there’s what you’ve been through. Who you lost. And then there’s me. Who I’ve lost. How I feel when I’m around you doesn’t make no sense. I like being alone but I like being with you better. I feel normal when I’m with you. I’m afraid he’s gonna change that. It’s makin’ me so fuckin’ mad.”
    “He’s not going to change anything,” I whisper, barely able to contain myself. This was the most I’ve ever heard Cooper speak in days. Even if it was disjointed, it was perfect.
    “He’ll try.”
    “He can try all he wants. That won’t change anything. He doesn’t connect with me like you do.” Cooper looked at me hopefully. “It doesn’t matter what he does. I don’t feel comfortable around him. I feel comfortable around you. It feels like you’ve known me my whole life even when we don’t talk about anything.”
    “I’m an asshole.”
    “You’re complicated.”
    “That was hard for me. To tell you that.”
    “I know.”
    “I don’t wanna lose you. When I get pissed off and walk away, it’s not you I’m walkin’ away from. I’m tryin’ to control myself so that I don’t take it out on you and say somethin’ stupid. And I know you’re not mine. I jus’ don’t wanna lose what we have. I don’t even know why - I don’t understand why I feel this way. Not after…”
    “To feel not alone. Because I make you feel comfortable. Safe to be around.”
    “ Yeah, like that.”
    “Me too.” I reached out and took the glass from his hands and placed it on the counter. I kept my eyes locked with his as I took his hand in mine, lightly rubbing the inside of his hand. His eyes widened at my touch. “I only feel comfortable around you, though. I thought you knew that.”
    “I didn’t wanna presume. Not after what you’ve been through. I didn’t wanna push.”
    “That’s why I like being around you. You don’t push. You make me feel at ease. Not many people do.”
    “You let Ben touch you.”
    “I’m sorry. He didn’t exactly ask for permission.” I hesitated, but only for a moment before deciding to put myself completely ‘out there’, just as he had. “ He doesn’t make me feel the way I feel every single time I see you. No one does. He’s not the one I want next to me all of the time.” I felt Cooper tremble for a moment and his hand squeezed my fingers. He brought his other hand up to my face and touched my cheek with the tips of his fingers. I inhaled and took several short breaths before our lips met.
    He kissed me gently at first and I felt his tongue graze the tip of