If I Tell

her. I mean, my mom’s pretty old to be having another baby.” I wiped under my eyes. “I haven’t told anyone about Simon and Lacey. You can’t tell a soul.”
    “I won’t.” He tugged on his bottom lip again. “Does he know you saw them?”
    “No. Maybe he suspects now. But I doubt it. He thinks I’m being a jerk because I’m jealous that he’s going to be around for my mom’s baby.”
    “Man. That totally sucks. I’m really sorry, Jaz.” Jackson picked up his drink and swallowed soda. He chewed on some ice thoughtfully. “So are you ever going to tell her?”
    I thought about my mom and how she would probably have to leave Simon if she found out. She’d be left alone again. To raise her baby on her own. It wasn’t what I wanted for her. I knew it wasn’t what she wanted. Not again. I hesitated. “Do you think I should?”
    “Man, it would mess things up.”
    I nodded once. “I know, right? How could she ever forgive him for doing that? Especially when she was pregnant. I mean, I wouldn’t forgive that. Even if it was just kissing. It’s still betrayal.”
    Jackson pulled his lip again, and I watched it pop back in place when he let go. I wondered if it was soft. If I’d ever know how it felt to kiss a boy like him. Not because I was drunk or because he had been dared to kiss me.
    “It must have freaked him out, finding out about the baby. People do really stupid things when they’re scared. And drunk.”
    “Not that stupid.”
    He nodded. “Has he done something like that before?”
    “No. I mean, I don’t think so. God. I don’t know what to believe anymore. He seemed so in love with her. He still does.” I reached out with my foot and nudged my guitar case. “Is this what guys do, Jackson? Get drunk and fool around?” I grabbed my guitar charm and rolled it between my fingers. “Do you think drinking makes it okay?”
    “No, I don’t.”
    His voice sounded uncertain though. I wondered if he’d ever done the same to some girl. My heart ached. For the girl and for me.
    “He can’t really love her though, can he? If he did that with Lacey?” I wanted so desperately to understand why he’d done it. Why Simon could pretend it had never happened.
    Jackson lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “I don’t know. I mean, people screw up sometimes. Even if they are in love. We’re an imperfect species.”
    “Screwing up is locking himself in the bathroom when he found out my mom was pregnant. Not hooking up with Lacey.”
    Jackson’s expression turned cloudier than a Tadita rainy day.
    “I don’t think my mom would forgive him if she found out. I mean, I can’t even forgive him and he’s not my boyfriend.”
    Jackson drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “Who knows though? I mean, she really loves him, right? And what if it never happened again?”
    I shook my head. I couldn’t forgive someone for betraying me like that. Could she?
    “Are you and Simon close?” Jackson asked.
    “We were. I really liked him. We talked about stuff since he’s, you know, black. Like me. And it helped. It sounds dumb. But it helped.”
    “It doesn’t sound dumb.”
    The waiter walked by our table, taking a tall black man and a black woman to their table. I stared at them. Longingly.
    I shook my head sadly. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Because now I can barely stand being around him. It makes me crazy. Keeping his secret for him. Protecting him. ” I picked up my drink and sipped it to calm myself. “Instead of sharing a heritage, instead of him helping me understand it, he’s made me hate him and everything he stands for.”
    Jackson glanced over at the couple who’d sat far enough away from us so we still had privacy.
    “What he did doesn’t have anything to do with race.”
    If I were a dog, the hairs on my back would have stood up. “I know that,” I growled. I wasn’t stupid. I knew it wasn’t an issue about race. “I meant everything he stands for as my mom’s boyfriend.”
    “Maybe you can think of it as not protecting him but protecting your mom?” Jackson said.
    I lowered my eyes to the table. “I don’t want to be the one to take him away from my new baby brother or sister.”
    Jackson sat quietly for a moment. “Maybe he just really did screw up, you know? A mistake. He does seem to care about your mom. And the baby. It sounds like he cares about you too.”
    I stiffened on the booth seat. “So you think it was okay?”
    Jackson took his arms off the back of the