If I Tell

Lacey sniffed. “Anyway. I’m not doing it to impress you. Your grandma asked for my help. And I like it.”
    I nodded. I didn’t want to feel sorry for her or forgive her for her tendency to go after inappropriate men. Like my mom’s boyfriend, I reminded myself and headed for the exit.
    “Jaz?” Lacey called as I started to leave.
    I turned.
    “You ever going to forgive me?” Lacey asked softly.
    I glanced at Grandma, but she was busy piling up cans. I lifted my shoulder but didn’t answer.
    “How’s your mom doing? I saw her the other day.” Lacey glanced at Grandma, but she wasn’t paying attention to us. “She wasn’t very friendly.”
    I scowled. “She doesn’t know,” I whispered harshly. “She’s having a hard time with her pregnancy, that’s all.”
    Grandma looked up then and pointed at her watch.
    “I gotta go,” I told Lacey. “I’m doing karaoke downstairs.”
    Lacey’s face loosened. “With the seniors?”
    I nodded, a smile tugging at my lips. “Yup.”
    “Have fun with that, Spazzy.”
    Without thinking, I laughed out loud. A long time ago, Lacey and I promised each other we’d grow old together. Be roommates at an old folks’ home. We’d called ourselves Spazzy and Looney and wreak havoc on the old men.
    “I miss you, Spazzy,” Lacey whispered. “You’re my best friend.”
    My laughter disappeared. “I gotta go. See ya.” I headed downstairs, wanting to get away from her and from the heaviness in my heart.
    ***
    Karaoke went smoothly, but the sad voices of lonely seniors crawled under my skin. One old man reminded me so much of Grandpa that my heart ached. He asked me to play a Neil Diamond song on the guitar, and as he sang along, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. I hurried out of the church when I was done, avoiding Grandma and Lacey.
    I swung my guitar strap on my shoulder so it was comfortable and began to walk. I didn’t think about where I was going or why. I just walked. Loneliness throbbed so badly inside that I struggled with my breathing. But I stared ahead and kept putting one foot in front of the other. Before I knew it, I was at Grinds.
    I went inside. Behind the counter in the Pit, Jackson was spraying whipped cream onto a specialty coffee. He spotted me, and his smile warmed my insides. Instantly my impulse to come to see him seemed okay and not the stupidest idea I’d ever had. I hurried closer.
    “I’m not stalking you,” I said when I was close to him.
    “Damn,” he answered and placed the drink he’d finished making on the counter. “And here I was hoping.”
    A man in a suit gave me a dirty look and cut in front of me to grab the mug of steaming coffee. I stepped back, but I didn’t take my eyes off Jackson. He was so handsome. So polite to the customers. The man grabbed his coffee and moved out of the way. I took a deep breath. It was now or never.
    “Do you remember what you said about a rain check?” I asked.
    Jackson nodded without hesitating. “Of course. No expiration date.”
    I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I’d been holding, while clinging to my guitar for dear life.
    “Well.” I gnawed my lip. “I was wondering. If, well…when you get off, if I could, you know, take you up on it. I mean, could we talk?”
    He glimpsed down at his wrist. “I’m off in fifteen. After that, I’m all yours.”
    I nodded, the combination of relief and nerves making speech temporarily impossible. For a minute I wished. Well, I wished that he really was all mine. Not just a friend.
    But I needed a friend. I glanced around the coffee shop and then at the bookstore next door. “I’ll come back. You’re sure you’re not too busy?”
    “I’m sure.” He grinned. “Hey, you were volunteering tonight, right?”
    I bobbed my head up and down like a moron.
    “How’d you get here?”
    “I walked.”
    He stood on his tiptoes and peered over the counter at my feet. “Well, at least you had your shoes on this time.”
    I laughed, and more of my tension drained. It would be okay. I could talk to Jackson. Trust him. No matter what else, he was a good person. Inside. Where it counted.
    I wandered over to the bookstore until Jackson’s shift was over. When I returned, he was clocking out. He lifted his hand in a wave and motioned me over.
    “You want to grab a seat in here?” Jackson asked from behind the counter.
    “Um. Would you mind if we went somewhere else?”
    Jackson didn’t miss a beat. “You want to head