Light in the Shadows

me and I giggled at his adorable insecurity. 
                    I bent over and captured his mouth with mine again, pulling back before we could deepen it, knowing my dad was waiting less than patiently for me to get home.  “You damn well better,” I warned him, poking him lightly in the chest. 
                    Clay ran his hands up the back of my thighs, sending a jolt straight between my legs.  “Well, then, I’ll call you this evening.” His voice sounded husky as his hands inched higher up my legs.  I stopped their slow ascent just shy of my butt and pulled them away.
                    “I have to go,” I groaned, putting distance between us.  Clay wearing a satisfied smile followed me out into the hallway.  I noticed Ruby’s door was closed. “Tell her I said goodbye, okay,” I told Clay.
                    “Of course,” he said, twining his hand with mine as we walked down the stairs and out to my dad’s minivan. 
                    “Nice wheels,” he joked and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs.  I opened the driver side door but turned around to kiss him lightly on the lips one last time.  I was an addict and Clay was my crack.  Crappy analogy, I know, but it was the truth.
                    The thought of losing him again was a very real and legitimate fear.  Clay was right, we needed to talk.  My distrust and insecurity still reigned supreme and if we were going to have a future, these issues needed to be addressed.
                    But for this moment, I could simply enjoy being with him again.  Of being granted something I had wished for but never hoped to have.  It made me a believer in second chances. 
                    Clay’s eyes darkened and he ran his thumb along my bottom lip.  “Thanks for coming by, Maggie.  And thank you for…well…you.” He smiled and dropped his eyes almost bashfully.  I chuckled.
                    “You don’t have to thank me for something that was always yours,” I told him.  Yuck, I was such a sap.  His eyes came immediately back to mine and I forgot about my saccharine induced mortification.  We didn’t kiss again, but Clay’s hand cupped my cheek and I grasped his arm.  My phone buzzed in my pocket again. 
                    My dad, the cock blocker.   He would probably love that title.
                    “Gotta go before Dad blows a gasket,” I said, climbing behind the wheel. Clay closed the door, slowly backing away from the van.  I felt his eyes on me until I knew he could no longer see me.  And there was nothing in this world, not even the threat of my parents’ disapproval, that could wipe the hard earned smile from my face.
     

C HAPTER S EVENTEEN    
    - C LAY-
     
     
     
    So here I was, living my dream. My hand wrapped around Maggie’s smaller one as we walked into the school together.  It was like déjà vu and writing a whole new chapter all at the same time.
                    This was familiar but new.   I still couldn’t believe that we were here.  In this place I hadn’t dared to think about.  But this beautiful reality I found myself in was laced with that other thing.  The weight of our past and the heaviness of our future. 
                    I was so happy.  But fucking terrified at the same time.  Because my brain still worked against me.  Trying to twist this amazing thing into that something ugly.  And that is why I still took my medication.  Still went to therapy religiously.  I would not ruin us this time.  I had miraculously been given another chance.  Another opportunity to live my life the way I was meant to. 
                      Maggie and I still needed to talk.  To lay so many things out on the table.  But it was as though we were both scared to shatter this tentative peace we had created.  Which was stupid.  If there was one thing the both of us had learned it was that ignoring things didn’t make them go away.  It only made it harder to face them when they finally came around to beat the shit out of you.
                    But for now we were going with plausible deniability and blissful ignorance wrapped up together in a blend of perfect delusion. 
                    And for now that wasn’t a bad thing.
                    Last year