Light in the Shadows

              Dinner, movie, walking her to the door and stealing a kiss goodnight. 
                    Fuck!  I really was an asshole.  No, not just an asshole, but a selfish asshole.
                    My smile was a bit more pained after that but I held it all the same.  “Yeah, like a date.  I want to take you out to dinner.  Then you can drag me to whatever lame ass chick flick is playing.”  Maggie’s smile grew wider and if I could punch myself in the nuts I would.  Yep, I was a selfish asshole.
                    “That sounds good.  Um.  Though, I haven’t…well…” Maggie stumbled and my eyebrows knit together. 
                    “Spit it out,” I teased, tugging on her ponytail.  Maggie bit her bottom lip and I wanted to pull it free with my teeth.  I felt a stirring in my jeans and had to tamp down the urge to maul her in the hallway.
                    “Well, my parents don’t know about you and me.  I haven’t told them.”  Well, that was like a bucket of cold water on my burgeoning hard on. 
                  “Oh.  Okay.   If you want to meet me somewhere, that’s cool.”  No it wasn’t cool.  It was the farthest thing from cool I could think of.  This brought me perilously close to the way I felt before.   When one of my greatest fears was never being the guy Mr. and Mrs. Young felt their only child deserved.
                    And I had proven their worries were completely founded. 
                    I didn’t blame Maggie for not telling them.  I wasn’t convinced I could ever be what they wanted for their daughter.  But I was trying my fucking hardest. 
                    But hearing her hesitance to share our relationship with her mom and dad made me feel like shit.  As though I was again the shameful secret.  A role, I thought was singularly reserved for me as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Reed. 
                  I never thought I’d have to feel this way as the boyfriend of Maggie Young. 
                    Pain.  Hurt.  Betrayal.  They were all there, jumping up and down, waiting for me to acknowledge them. 
                    I wasn’t worth it.
                    I’ll never be enough for anyone. 
                    There’s only one thing that will help it all go away.
                    NO!   I stared into Maggie’s eyes and tried to focus on my breathing.  I could see the dark brown cloud with concern and I tried like hell not to show her how much her statement had wounded me.
                    Maggie grabbed my hand and squeezed.  I winced at the strength of her grip.  “I just haven’t had a chance to really tell anyone.  This is so new and I didn’t want to jinx it.  I will tell them.  I’ll tell everyone!” she said emphatically and I didn’t know if she was trying to convince me or herself.
                    “So, pick me up at seven,” she said, giving my hand a shake, pulling me out of the decidedly dark turn my thoughts had taken.  My smile this time was a fake replica of the genuine one I had worn only minutes before.
                    “Sure,” I said, but I didn’t really mean it.  My mind was trying to work its way through the nasty urges that whispered dangerously.  Shame, guilt, anger.  All waiting for me to do what I had to do in order for them to leave me alone. 
                    I clenched my hands into tight fists. 
                    “Clay,” Maggie said softly, clearly recognizing the look that had settled onto my face. 
                    “Maggie!  There you are!  I waited for you at Java Madness this morning!  I thought we were meeting there for coffee before school.”  An indescribable emotion crossed Maggie’s face before she turned to Rachel, who had yet to notice me standing there. 
 
                “Girl, that was not cool.  I had to drink my latte alone.  And you know I don’t do alone,” Rachel chided teasingly.  Then she realized I was standing there and I didn’t miss the shocked expression that she tried to hide.  Maggie’s friend acknowledged our close proximity with her eyes but didn’t comment on it. 
                  “Hey, Clay,” Rachel said in greeting,