Light in the Shadows

getting help now and that maybe he’s heading in the right direction.  But it has been a very short period of time.  You can’t expect miracles overnight.  And given his struggles, I wouldn’t set yourself up for another round of disappointment and misery.  If you’re really set on doing this with Clay again, then just make sure you remember the lessons you’ve learned.”  Her advice was sound and I could only listen. 
                    Before, I would have gotten defensive.  Become angry at her insinuations.  But after the events of last year, I could only take in her words and heed them.  What else could I do?  Denial hadn’t worked so well for me in the past. 
                    “I will, Mom.  I promise.” She kissed my cheek and got to her feet.
                    “What time will he be picking you up?” she asked.  I looked at the clock on my bedside table and realized how late it was.
                    “He’s supposed to be here in an hour.”  My mom made a clucking noise with her tongue.
                    “Your dad and I were heading out to dinner.  But maybe we’ll wait until after the two of you leave.”  I could tell my mom was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of me going out with Clay.  But I also felt such an amazing love for my parents that they were being so reasonable about it. 
                  “No, you guys go on.  But I think maybe, I should bring Clay over.  So you can spend some time together, get to know each other properly.  I know there wasn’t much of a chance of that the last time.”  My mom nodded.
                    “I’d like that.  Well, if you’re okay with us leaving.  We should get going.  But be home by midnight and not a minute later.” I smiled, feeling us slip back into the more comfortable role of mother and daughter.
                    “Yes, ma’am,” I said.  My mom tried to hide her grin as she pointed her finger at me. 
                    “Not a minute later,” she warned again and I gave her a salute. 
                    I sagged down onto my bed.  Had that really happened?  I was again reminded how truly lucky I was and how I swore to myself I wouldn’t let them down again.  How easy it was to say that now.  But deep down, I was all too aware of how a beautiful pair of brown eyes and messy dark hair could ruin everything.
    ***
                    By the time seven rolled around, I was a pacing, palm sweating, hair pulling mess.  I had practically worn a hole in the carpet from my endless walking.  You’d think I had never been out with a guy before.  It was sort of ludicrous the way I was fretting about a dinner and a movie. 
                    But I knew so much hinged on this evening.  This would decide for me whether Clay and I were capable of a relationship not defined by his mental illness.  When we were together before, I was swept up in the tumultuous emotions that he was living in.  It was easy to get lost in the ups and downs, the sideways and back ways and all the other ways in between.
                    I had spent so much time thinking of ways to save him that everything else took a back seat.  But here we were, months later, and I wasn’t sure what we were left with.  How did we create a new relationship built on something other than his mood swings?
                    Was it masochistic of me to almost miss the turmoil?  Because I knew, even in the middle of our crazy dysfunction, that he needed me.  That he loved me.  That I was all he wanted.  Now, I wasn’t so sure.  Were we fooling ourselves into thinking anything was left to build from? 
                  Sure, the attraction was still there.  But I worried that the depth of love we felt for one another was merely a symptom of the crisis we had found ourselves in. 
                    And would I ever be able to look at him as just a boy?  And not someone I had to watch like a hawk just to make sure he was taking his medicine?  Would we ever be able to have the easy, relaxed way of being together that other couples have? 
                  I would watch Rachel and Daniel and long for what they had deep in my bones.  A love that was unquestionable and unwavering. 
                    I just needed to