Ms. Beard Is Weird!

1
Hooray for Mr. Klutz!
    My name is A.J. and I hate it when a helicopter lands on my head.
    Okay, so a helicopter never really landed on my head. But I’m pretty sure that if a helicopter ever did land on my head, I would hate it. Wouldn’t you?
    My teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. He’s been pretty angry lately. Every time he tries to teach us anything, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker telling us to go to an assembly. Mr. Granite got so mad that he yanked the loudspeaker out of the wall!
    â€œOkay, today we’re going to talk about the Civil War,” Mr. Granite told us. “Turn to page twenty-three in your—”
    He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, because you’ll never believe who poked her head into the door at that moment.
    Nobody! It would hurt if you poked your head into a door. Why would anybody want to do a dumb thing like that?
    But you’ll never believe who poked her head into the doorway .
    It was Mrs. Patty, the school secretary!
    â€œI’ve been trying to reach you,” she told Mr. Granite. “Who yanked your loudspeaker out of the wall? Everyone has to report to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.”

    â€œNot again !” yelled Mr. Granite.
    Surprise assemblies are fun, because you never know what’s going to happen. That’s why they’re called surprise assemblies.
    We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. I don’t know why they call it an all-purpose room, because we can’t use it for all purposes. I mean, you can’t use it to fly into outer space. So why is it called the all-purpose room?
    Anyway, we had to sit boy-girl-boy-girl to make sure we wouldn’t sit next to anybody we liked. I had to sit between annoying Andrea and her crybaby friend, Emily. Ugh, disgusting! I made sure not to let my elbows touch theirs.
    Mr. Klutz, our principal, was up on the stage. He has no hair at all. 1
    â€œGreat news, everyone!” Mr. Klutz told us. “Our budget problems are solved. I’m happy to report that we can buy new computers and supplies. We can bring back the art and music programs. We can hire all the teachers who were fired. We can turn on the water fountains again and put toilet paper back in the bathrooms.”
    â€œHooray for Mr. Klutz!” Everybody was whistling and cheering and shouting.
    â€œWhere did you get the money to do all those things?” asked our librarian, Mrs. Roopy. “Did you get a grant?”
    â€œNo,” said Mr. Klutz.
    â€œAre taxes going up?” asked the school nurse, Mrs. Cooney.
    â€œNo,” said Mr. Klutz.
    â€œAre we going to have a fund-raiser?” asked Dr. Brad, the school counselor.

    â€œNo,” said Mr. Klutz. “The money is coming from the famous TV producer Ms. Beard. She’s making a new reality show, and she’s going to shoot it right here! It is going to be called The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School .”
    â€œEEEEEEEEEKKKK!”
    All the teachers were freaking out.
    â€œWe’re going to be on TV!” screamed our speech teacher, Ms. Laney.
    â€œWe’re going to be famous!” screamed our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee.
    â€œHow does my hair look?” screamed our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers.
    â€œWhat am I going to wear?” screamed our Spanish teacher, Miss Holly. “I have nothing to wear!”
    Teachers are weird.

2
Chickie Baby
    Over the weekend my parents had to sign a contract that I brought home in my backpack. The contract said they couldn’t sue anybody if I fell into a well, or got eaten by a lion or run over by a train, or if a helicopter fell on my head during the filming of The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School .
    When I got to school on Monday morning, everybody was out front, dressed up in their nicest clothes. I had to wear a tie. Ugh. It looked like we were all going to a wedding or a funeral. We had to wear badges, too, so people watching on TV would know our names.
    The teachers were running around warning us to be on our best behavior for Ms. Beard. She’s a big celebrity, and she was coming all the way from Hollywood. The girls were giggling and talking nervously to each other.
    â€œMy mom took me to the beauty parlor yesterday,” said Andrea.
    â€œIt looks like she took you to the ugly parlor,” I told Andrea.
    â€œOh, snap!” said Ryan, who will eat anything,