Ms. Beard Is Weird!

she takes her chair with her everywhere, because it had her name on the back of it.
    â€œOkay, just pretend I’m not here,” Ms. Beard told Mr. Granite. “Act like it’s any other day at school. ACTION!”
    â€œUh . . . good morning, boys and girls,” said Mr. Granite. “Today we’re going to . . . uh . . . talk about . . . uh . . . the Civil War. Turn to page . . . uh . . . twenty-three in your books. . . .”
    We all turned to page twenty-three.
    â€œThe Civil War,” Mr. Granite continued, “um . . . uh . . . it wasn’t very . . . um . . . civil at all. Ha-ha. Just a little joke there. Ummmm, I mean . . . can I do that over again, Ms. Beard? I messed up.”
    Ms. Beard jumped up and put her arm around his shoulder.
    â€œGranite, baby, you just gotta relax ,” she said. “Just be yourself. Act normal. Okay? Let’s try it again.”
    Ms. Beard went back to her chair and yelled “ACTION!” again.

    â€œThe Civil War,” said Mr. Granite, “. . . uh . . . ummm, it reminds me of a story my grandmother told me. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
    Mr. Granite started telling a story about his grandmother. It went on forever. I thought I was gonna die. It’s hard to sit still without fidgeting. But I kept my feet on the floor and my hands folded on my desk. I didn’t want Mr. Granite to call on me, so I made sure not to look at him. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
    â€œBlah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . . ,” droned Mr. Granite.
    Suddenly, Andrea raised her hand.
    â€œYes, Andrea?”
    â€œIs it true that the Civil War started in 1861 when eleven Southern states decided to leave the United States and form their own country called the Confederate States of America?”
    Ugh. I hate her.
    â€œThat’s absolutely right!” said Mr. Granite, beaming at Andrea. “I can see you’ve been studying.”
    â€œI always try my hardest,” Andrea said. Then she made a big smile right into the camera.

    Why can’t a truckload of cameras fall on her head?
    â€œBeautiful! Cut!” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys. Let’s move to the next class.”
    The cameramen started picking up their equipment.
    â€œWhen will we be on TV?” asked Andrea.
    â€œTonight, baby,” Ms. Beard replied.
    â€œEEEEEEEEEEK! We’re gonna be on TV tonight !”
    Everybody was freaking out.

4
Reality Is Boring
    My parents let me stay up late on Monday to watch The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School . It was cool to see us all on TV, even if I had to look at Andrea’s big face hogging the screen the whole time.
    The first thing that happened on Tuesday morning was that Ms. Beard rushed into school with her megaphone and told us we had to take a meeting. I mean, have an assembly. I had to sit next to Little Miss Perfect again.
    â€œI have some good news and some bad news,” Ms. Beard announced when everybody was seated. “The good news is that ten million people tuned in to see The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School last night.”
    â€œWOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
    â€œWhat’s the bad news?” asked Mr. Klutz.
    â€œThe bad news is that nine million of them turned the show off after five minutes,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œWhat?” we all asked. “Why?”
    â€œBecause it was boring , that’s why!” Ms. Beard told us. “Nobody wants to watch polite, well-behaved kids being taught by excellent teachers. They can see that at their own school.”
    â€œI thought the show was supposed to be real ,” said Mrs. Jafee. “Isn’t that why they call it a reality show?”
    â€œLet me tell you a little secret,” said Ms. Beard. “Reality is boring. People don’t want to watch reality. They want to be amazed . We’ve got to show them something they’ve never seen before. We’ve got to blow their minds!”
    â€œI thought you told us to act normal,” said Mr. Granite.
    â€œLook,” said Ms. Beard. “Normal is boring. If you folks can’t spice things up, The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School is going to be