Ms. Beard Is Weird!

Ryan.

    After the twelve teachers had sung a song, the phone lines were opened up, and people all over America had the chance to vote for their favorite. We had to wait a long time while the votes were being counted. Finally, Ms. Beard came out to announce the results.
    â€œThe people have spoken,” she said. “Eleven of our teachers will move on to the next round. One of you must leave. But before I say who that teacher is, tell me, A.J., what do you think of pork sausages?”
    â€œI give ’em a ten!” I said, holding up my paddle. “I love ’em!”
    â€œYou heard it here, folks!” said Ms. Beard. “The judges agree that pork sausages are great ! Now it’s time to reveal which of our teachers got the least votes and will have to leave. That teacher is . . . Mrs. Roopy.”
    â€œAwwwwwwwwwww.”
    Mrs. Roopy walked off the stage, her head hanging.
    One teacher eliminated, ten to go.

6
Dancing with the Teachers
    When we got to the all-purpose room the next morning, there was a big banner across the stage . . .
    DANCING WITH THE TEACHERS
    The cameras started rolling right away, and Ms. Beard leaped up on the stage.
    â€œYesterday we saw how well the teachers of Ella Mentry School could sing,” she said. “Today we’re going to see how well they dance!”
    There were four pairs of dancers—two teams of Moosketeers and two teams of Hot Dog Heads. Ms. Beard announced that one of the couples would be eliminated. Andrea, Ryan, and I were called up to be the judges again.
    â€œOur first couple will be Mr. Loring and Miss Holly of the Mooseketeers,” said Ms. Beard. “They will be dancing the cha-cha.” 5
    â€œI don’t really know how to cha-cha,” said Mr. Loring.
    â€œMe neither,” said Miss Holly.
    â€œTerrific!” shouted Ms. Beard. “Start the music!”
    Some weird cha-cha music started playing.
    Did you ever see a teacher dance? It’s hilarious. You don’t believe me? Ask your teacher to get up and dance, right now. It will be hysterical. I guarantee it.
    Anyway, Miss Holly is really tall, and Mr. Loring is really short. They were stumbling all over and stepping on each other’s feet while they tried to cha-cha. Ryan and I had to do all we could not to fall out of our seats laughing. I was afraid I was going to pee in my pants.
    When it was over, everybody clapped and pretended that Mr. Loring and Miss Holly were good dancers.
    â€œI give them a ten!” said Andrea, holding up her Ping-Pong paddle.
    â€œI give them a one,” I said. “They dance like a pair of water buffalo fighting over a piece of meat.”
    â€œI give them a two for effort,” said Ryan.
    â€œOkay! That’s thirteen points,” said Ms. Beard. “Let’s bring on our next couple, Mr. Docker and Ms. Coco of the Hot Dog Heads.”

    Everybody cheered. They had to do a dance called the fox-trot. It didn’t look like foxes trotting. It looked more like a bad three-legged race. It was embarrassing just to watch. They weren’t quite as awful as Mr. Loring and Miss Holly, but it was still the funniest thing in the history of the world. We gave them sixteen points, with ten of them from Andrea, of course.
    â€œNext up, Mr. Granite and Miss Laney!” said Ms. Beard. “They will dance the tango.”
    I don’t know what “tango” means, but it sure didn’t look like dancing. It looked like Mr. Granite and Miss Laney were trying to stamp out cockroaches. We gave them twenty points.
    The last dance team was Mr. Macky and Ms. Hannah. They had to do some dance called the rumba, and they were actually pretty good. Well, they were good for teachers , anyway. They got a nice round of applause, and twenty-five points.
    Finally—and thankfully—Dancing with the Teachers was over. Ms. Beard added up the scores.
    â€œIf you ask me, all of these teachers are winners,” she announced, “but two of you must be eliminated today. I’m sorry, but . . . Miss Holly and Mr. Loring will have to go home.”
    Three teachers eliminated, eight to go.

7
The Stunt Teacher
    We were told to go back to class until the end of the day. Mr. Granite was happy about that. He said we could finally get some work done.
    â€œToday we’re going to talk about—”
    But he didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, because