Ms. Beard Is Weird!

even stuff that isn’t food.
    Andrea stuck out her tongue at me.
    â€œMy mom took me for a pedicure,” said Emily.
    â€œWhat’s a pedicure?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    â€œThat’s when they soak your feet and paint your toenails,” Emily told us.

    â€œDo you think they’re gonna make a TV show about your toenails?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
    â€œBoys are mean!” said Emily.
    â€œDo you think this dress makes me look fat?” Andrea asked the other girls.
    â€œYes,” I told her.
    â€œI wasn’t asking you , Arlo !”
    Andrea calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. I wanted to make fun of her some more, but at that moment the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. A black limousine pulled up at the other side of the playground. It was really long, like somebody took two regular-sized cars and stuck them together. The windows were tinted, so we couldn’t see inside.
    â€œMs. Beard is here!” yelled Alexia, who is a girl but pretty cool anyway.
    â€œMs. Beard is here!” yelled Ryan.
    â€œMs. Beard is here!” yelled Michael.
    In case you were wondering, everybody was yelling that Ms. Beard was here.
    But actually, Ms. Beard wasn’t here. Not yet anyway.
    A bunch of guys got out of the limo. They were carrying cameras and lights and stuff.
    A few seconds later, a helicopter came down from the sky and landed on the playground near the limo. A lady got out.
    â€œIt’s Ms. Beard!” shouted Mr. Klutz.
    Ms. Beard climbed down from the helicopter and got into the limo. Then the limo drove about ten yards to where we were all waiting. I guess Ms. Beard doesn’t like to walk.
    â€œRemember,” shouted Mr. Klutz, “we want to show Ms. Beard what terrific students we have at Ella Mentry School. Everybody be on your best behavior.”
    â€œI’m always on my best behavior,” said Andrea.
    What is her problem?
    Ms. Beard got out of the limo and looked around.
    â€œWelcome to our school,” Mr. Klutz told her. “I’m sure you’ll find our children—”
    He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, because Ms. Beard wasn’t paying attention.
    â€œFabulous, Chickie Baby!” she said. “I love children! They’re like grown-ups, only shorter.”
    â€œWe should probably talk about—” said Mr. Klutz.

    â€œSure, let’s do lunch, Chickie Baby,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œUh, I just did breakfast,” said Mr. Klutz. “And my name isn’t Chickie Baby. It’s Mr. Klutz.”
    â€œNot now , Chickie Baby,” said Ms. Beard. “Let’s do lunch at lunchtime, sweetie. Have your girl call my girl. We’ll take a meeting.”
    She talks funny.
    The big guys started setting up lights, cameras, and microphones everywhere. Ms. Beard walked around looking us over like a general inspecting the troops.
    â€œOh, this is going to be fabulous !” she said. “It will be the first reality show that takes place in a school. The ratings are going to go through the roof!”
    â€œAre we going to be famous like that Snookie lady?” asked Andrea.
    â€œThat depends on what happens, baby,” 2 said Ms. Beard. “This is reality TV. We don’t use scripts. Nobody has any lines. It’s all about reality. We’ll just have to see what happens.”
    â€œWhen does the show begin?” asked Neil the nude kid.
    â€œRight now, baby!” Ms. Beard said, clapping her hands together.
    Somebody gave her a big megaphone, and she shouted into it, “Quiet on the set! We’re shooting The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School ! Lights! Camera! ACTION!”

3
Act Normal
    Mr. Klutz reminded us again to be on our best behavior. The morning bell rang, and we rushed up the steps and down the hall to our classroom. It was weird with those guys sticking cameras in our faces.
    â€œHow do I look?” Mr. Granite whispered to us as we walked down the hall. “I’m a little nervous. I’ve never been on TV before.”
    â€œYou look like a real TV star, Mr. Granite!” said Andrea.
    What a brownnoser.
    Finally, we got to class and took our seats. There were four cameras and cameramen and long sticks with microphones hanging all over the place. Ms. Beard sat on a chair in the back of the room. I guess