Ms. Beard Is Weird!

canceled.”
    â€œCanceled!?” Mr. Klutz looked all panicked. “Does that mean we won’t get the money you promised?”
    â€œThat’s right, Chickie Baby.”
    â€œStop calling me Chickie Baby!” said Mr. Klutz.
    â€œIf the show is canceled, there goes the music and art programs again,” moaned Ms. Hannah, our art teacher.
    â€œThere goes the water fountains,” moaned Mrs. Patty.
    â€œThere goes the toilet paper,” moaned Miss Lazar, our custodian.
    â€œHey, lighten up!” Ms. Beard said. “I know how we can make The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School into a hit. I have a plan. Trust me. Show business is in my blood.” 3
    â€œWhat’s the plan?” Mr. Klutz asked. “We need to save the show.”
    â€œPeople like winners and losers,” Ms. Beard said as she got out a large shopping bag. “So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to divide a group of teachers into two teams. One team will wear hats with antlers on them. They will be called the Mooseketeers. The other team will wear these hot dog hats, and they will be the Hot Dog Heads.”
    Ms. Beard pulled a bunch of hats out of her bag.
    â€œI’m not wearing a silly hat,” announced Mr. Loring, our music teacher.
    â€œThen you can’t be on the show,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œWhere’s my silly hat?” asked Mr. Loring.

    â€œOkay!” said Ms. Beard. “When I call your name, come up on the stage. The Mooseketeers are . . . Ms. Leakey, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring, Mr. Macky, Miss Holly, and Mrs. Yonkers. Come on down!”
    We all cheered as the Mooseketeers ran up on the stage and high-fived each other.
    â€œThe Hot Dog Heads are . . . Mrs. Roopy, Miss Small, Mr. Docker, Mr. Granite, Ms. Coco, and Miss Laney. Come on down!”
    The Hot Dog Heads fist-bumped each other as they ran up on the stage. They all put on their silly hats. The cameramen filmed everything.
    â€œThe Mooseketeers stink!” shouted Miss Laney.
    â€œThe Hot Dog Heads suck eggs!” shouted Miss Holly.
    â€œI’m glad to see you teachers are getting into the spirit of the competition,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œIt’s not nice to call people names,” Andrea said to me. “They’re not setting a good example for children.”
    â€œCan you possibly be more boring?” I told Andrea.
    Ms. Beard clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention.
    â€œOver the next few days,” she said, “the Mooseketeers and the Hot Dog Heads will compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will help decide who is the winner, and people at home will be able to vote too.”
    That’s when Little Miss Perfect got up to ask a question.
    â€œExcuse me,” Andrea said, “but what does this have to do with education? Shouldn’t we be learning things in school?”
    â€œBooooooooo!”
    â€œSit down!”
    Everybody was hooting at Andrea, even some of the teachers. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her. It was the greatest moment of my life.
    â€œDon’t worry,” Ms. Beard said. “You’re going to be learning plenty. And here’s the best part. One by one, the teachers will be eliminated until we’re left with just one winner. That teacher will get the grand prize: a fabulous, all-expenses-paid vacation to anywhere in the world and a year’s supply of pork sausages!”

    â€œI love pork sausages!” said Ms. Leakey.
    â€œThat reminds me,” Ms. Beard said as she looked into one of the cameras. “Folks, do you like pork sausages? I sure do. And when I want a pork sausage, I reach for Porky’s pork sausages. They’re the best pork sausages in the world, made with the finest pork and no artificial ingredients. So when you want a pork sausage, reach for Porky’s. Okay, let the games begin!”

5
Ella Mentry Idol
    Mr. Klutz sent us to lunch so the teachers could get ready. When we got back to the all-purpose room, the stage was decorated with lots of lights and a big sign . . .
    ELLA MENTRY IDOL!
    Ms. Beard came out onstage, followed by the Mooseketeers and the Hot Dog Heads. We all yelled and screamed, but we quieted down when Mr. Klutz made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”
    â€œWelcome to Ella Mentry Idol!” said Ms. Beard. “Today we’re going to see how well these twelve teachers can sing! Sadly, one of them