Pictures of Lily

after my last gym visit.’
    ‘How annoying,’ I empathise. ‘Well, I could take the girls to the zoo if you like. It’s not far from here.’
    ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ Isabel bleats.
    Dad turns to Olivia and Kay expectantly.
    ‘That’d be good,’ Olivia agrees.
    Kay shrugs. ‘Alright.’
    ‘In that case,’ Dad decides, ‘I’ll take your mother shopping. I wouldn’t mind having a look for a new watch, myself.’
    It’s been over four years since I last came to the zoo and that was also in aid of my sisters. I hadn’t been to a conservation park or anything like it since working with Michael, but I finally conceded on the previous occasion when Isabel wanted to go.
    I found that trip hard. Ben once told me he had worked in the zoo here in Sydney and I was on edge the whole time, almost as though I expected to bump into him. This time I need to stop being so ridiculous.
    Easier said than done.
    Nerves hit me as we walk up to the entrance gates. I pay for our tickets with the money my dad gave me and my hands are shaking as I take the change. This is crazy. He’s not going to be here.
    ‘Where are the kangaroos?’ Isabel demands as she tries to make sense of the fold-out paper map in her hands.
    ‘Here.’ I take it from her and scan the diagram. ‘This way.’
    ‘Can we see the koalas, too?’ Olivia asks worriedly.
    ‘Of course. We can see everything,’ I answer, willing my anxiety to dissipate.
    Usually I walk with my head down, but today I’m on full alert, scanning every face, every person’s profile from behind – just in case.
    You’re being stupid.
    I know. I can’t help it.
    We buy a bag of pellets to feed to the kangaroos and I lead the way into their enclosure, waiting back to shut the gate carefully behind us. Isabel has already cornered an elderly male, sprawled out on his side. My two youngest sisters kneel down on the dirt and delightedly hold out palms full of pellets to feed to the now-interested roo. He reminds me a little of Roy, but Roy had darker ears. I wonder if he’s still alive?
    ‘Did you really name a koala after Olivia?’ Kay interrupts my thoughts.
    ‘Yes,’ I reply, smiling. ‘She could have just as easily been named after you, but we flipped a coin.’
    We . . .
    ‘I told you,’ Kay says to her sister. Olivia glances up, but quickly returns her attention to the kangaroo.
    ‘I’m surprised you remember,’ I say to Kay. ‘You were only four at the time.’
    ‘I wanted you to name her after me, that’s why.’ She gives me a pointed look.
    ‘I’m sorry. I thought there would be more orphaned koalas.’
    ‘I suppose it’s a good thing there weren’t,’ she concedes.
    ‘That’s true.’ I touch her arm affectionately. ‘So how are you? How are things?’
    ‘What things?’
    ‘Have you got a boyfriend?’
    ‘Straight to the point!’ she exclaims and I try to keep a straight face.
    ‘Yes, and his name is Charlie,’ Isabel chips in gleefully, alerted to our conversation.
    ‘Shut up!’ Kay snaps. ‘I’m not going out with him,’ she tells me and I nod encouragingly.
    ‘But she wishes she was,’ Olivia interjects.
    ‘Shhh!’ Kay frowns with annoyance. I take a few steps back from the girls and motion for Kay to do the same.
    ‘Is he good-looking?’ I ask conspiratorially, and her frown turns into a dreamy smile.
    ‘Very.’
    ‘Do you think he likes you?’
    She shrugs. ‘It’s hard to tell.’
    ‘What are the signs?’
    ‘Well, he asked me if he could borrow my pen during maths.’
    ‘Right.’
    ‘He could just as easily have asked his best friend Lee, but he didn’t.’
    ‘That’s a very good sign,’ I agree.
    ‘And I catch him looking at me sometimes.’
    ‘He definitely likes you,’ I decide.
    ‘Do you think so?’ she asks hopefully. It’s the brightest I’ve seen her look since she got here.
    ‘Absolutely. If you suspect it, you’re right. A woman’s intuition usually is,’ I add, trying to sound wise.
    ‘I hope so.’ She beams and her whole face lights up.
    I look away so she can’t see me smiling to myself. Puppy love. How cute.
    Wait, she’s fifteen. Fifteen ! How can she be fifteen already? I had sex with Dan at fifteen! I glance back at her, shocked. She’s staring wistfully at the gum trees. She’s far too young to be doing anything remotely like that. I must have been much more mature at her age. Surely? But a little trace of doubt is wheedling its way in.
    Puppy love? A crush?
    No. What I felt