Point of Retreat

thoughts register in my mind, I force them back. It’s pointless thinking like this, because it isn’t going to happen. I get pissed at myself for letting my mind get carried away, so I head back inside to get the coffee.
     
    ***
     
    When I return to the waiting room, Dr. Bradshaw is sitting with Kel. They don’t notice me right away. He's telling Kel a story. Kel's laughing, so I don't interrupt him. It's nice to hear Kel laugh. I stand outside the door and listen.
     
    “Then when my mother told me to go get the box to bury the cat, I told her there was no need. I’d already brought him back to life,” Dr. Bradshaw says. “It was that moment, after I resuscitated that kitten, I knew I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up.”
     
    “So you saved the kitten?” Kel asks him.
     
    Dr. Bradshaw laughs. “No. He died again a few minutes later. But I had already made up my mind by then,” he says.
     
    Kel laughs. “Well, at least you didn’t want to be a veterinarian.”
     
    “No, clearly I’m not cut out for animals.”
     
    “Any news?” I walk into the room and hand Kel his coffee. Dr. Bradshaw stands up.
     
    “We’ve still got her under anesthesia. We were able to run some tests. I’m still waiting on the results, but you can see her for a few minutes.”
     
    “Now? We can see her? Right now?” I’m gathering up my things as I reply.
     
    “Will…I can’t let anyone else in,” he says. He looks down at Kel, then back at me. “She still hasn’t been moved from recovery yet…I’m not even supposed to let you in. But I’m doing some rounds and thought I’d let you walk with me.”
     
    I look at Kel. I want to beg Dr. Bradshaw to let me take Kel with us, but I know he’s already doing me a huge favor. “Kel, if I’m not back before you leave with Sherry, I’ll call you.”
     
    He nods. I expect him to argue about not getting to go with me, but I think he understands. The fact that he’s being so reasonable fills me with a sense of pride. I bend over and hug him and kiss him on top of the head. “I’ll call you. As soon as I hear anything, I’ll call you.” He nods again. I reach over and grab something from my satchel, then turn back toward the door.
     
    I follow Dr. Bradshaw past the nurse’s station, through the doors and down the hall to the double doors that lead to the surgery area. Before we go any further, he takes me into a room where we both wash our hands. When we get to her door, I can barely catch my breath. I’m so nervous. My heart is about to explode through my chest.
     
    “Will…you need to know a few things first. She’s on a ventilator to help her breathe, but only because we’ve got her in a medically-induced coma. There’s no chance of her waking up right now with the amount of medicine we’re giving her. Most of her head is bandaged. She looks worse than she feels…we’re keeping her comfortable. I’ll allow you a few minutes with her, but that’s all I can give you right now. Understand?”
     
    I nod.
     
    He pushes open the door and lets me in.
     
    As soon as I see her, I struggle to breathe. It’s like all of the air is knocked from my lungs when the reality of the moment hits me. The ventilator sucks in a rush of air and releases it again. With each repetitive sound of the machine, it’s like my hope is being pushed out of me.
     
    I walk to her bed and take her hand. It’s cold. I kiss her forehead. I kiss it a million times. I just want to lay down with her, hug her. There are too many wires and tubes and cords running everywhere. I pull the chair up next to the bed and interlock her fingers with mine. It's getting hard to see her through my tears, so I have to wipe my eyes on my shirt. She looks so peaceful…like she's just taking a nap.
     
    “I love you, Lake,” I whisper. I kiss her hand.
     
    “I love you,” I whisper again.
     
    “I love you.”
     
    The covers are pulled tightly around her and she's got a hospital gown on. Her head is wrapped in a bandage but most of her hair is hanging down around her neck. I'm relieved they didn't cut all of her hair. She'd be pissed. The ventilator tube is taped over her mouth, so all I can do is kiss her cheek. I know she can’t hear me, but I talk to her anyway.
     
    “Lake, you have to pull through this. You have to.” I stroke her hand. “I can’t live without you.” I turn her hand over and kiss her palm, then press it against my cheek. The feel of her skin against