The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

for them if they weren’t back by supper.
    *
    Not many people these days remarked upon the fact that the Librarian was an ape. The change had been brought about by a magical accident, always a possibility where so many powerful books are kept together, and he was considered to have got off lightly. After all, he was still basically the same shape. And he had been allowed to keep his job, which he was rather good at, although ‘allowed’ is not really the right word. It was the way he could roll his upper lip back to reveal more incredibly yellow teeth than any other mouth the University Council had ever seen before that somehow made sure the matter was never really raised.
    *
    The figure rapped a complex code on the dark woodwork. A tiny barred hatch opened and one suspicious eye peered out.
    ‘ “The significant owl hoots in the night,”‘ said the visitor, trying to wring the rainwater out of its robe.
    ‘ “Yet many grey lords go sadly to the masterless men,”‘ intoned a voice on the other side of the grille.
    ‘ “Hooray, hooray for the spinster’s sister’s daughter,”‘ countered the dripping figure.
    ‘ “To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height.” ‘
    ‘ “Yet verily, the rose is within the thorn.”‘
    ‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy,”‘ said the voice behind the door.
    There was a pause, broken only by the sound of the rain. Then the visitor said, ‘What?’
    ‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy.” ‘
    There was another, longer pause. Then the damp figure said, ‘Are you sure the ill-built tower doesn’t tremble mightily at a butterfly’s passage?’
    ‘Nope. Bean soup it is. I’m sorry.’
    ‘What about the cagéd whale?’ said the soaking visitor, trying to squeeze into what little shelter the dread portal offered.
    ‘What about it?’
    ‘It should know nothing of the mighty deeps, if you must know.’
    ‘Oh, the caged whale. You want the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. Three doors down.’
    *
    The Supreme Grand Master rapped his gavel for attention. ‘I call the Unique and Supreme Lodge of the Elucidated Brethren to order,’ he intoned. ‘Is the Door of Knowledge sealed fast against heretics and knowlessmen?’
    ‘Stuck solid,’ said Brother Doorkeeper. ‘It’s the damp. I’ll bring my plane in next week, soon have it—’
    ‘All right, all right,’ said the Supreme Grand Master testily. ‘Just a yes would have done.’
    *
    Minor thief Zebbo Mooty has just been incinerated by a dragon.
    ‘Do you know, a fortune-teller once told me I’d die in my bed, surrounded by grieving great-grandchildren,’ said Mooty. ‘What do you think of that, eh?’
    I THINK SHE WAS WRONG .
    *
    The Patrician nodded.
    ‘I shall deal with the matter momentarily,’ he said. It was a good word. It always made people hesitate. They were never quite sure whether he meant he’d deal with it now, or just deal with it briefly. And no one ever dared ask.
    *
    You came to [the Patrician] with a perfectly reasonable complaint. Next thing you knew, you were shuffling out backwards, bowing and scraping, relieved simply to be getting away. You had to hand it to the Patrician, he admitted grudgingly. If you didn’t, he sent men to come and take it away.

    The Patrician gave him a sweet smile. ‘Thank you for coming to see me.Don’t hesitate th4 leave.’

    The Watch hadn’t liked it, but the plain fact was that the thieves were far better at controlling crime than the Watch had ever been. After all, the Watch had to work twice as hard to cut crime just a little, whereas all the Thieves’ Guild had to do was to work less.
    *
    The only reason you couldn’t say that Nobby was close to the animal kingdom was that the animal kingdom would get up and walk away.
    *
    Nobby was a small, bandy-legged man, with a certain resemblance to a chimpanzee who never got invited to tea parties.
    *
    Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs Colon worked all day and Sergeant Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. He got her tea ready before he left at night, she left his breakfast nice and hot in the oven in the mornings. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.
    *
    You could describe Sergeant Colon like this: he was the sort of man who, if he took up a military career, would automatically gravitate to the post of