Coda 02 -A to Z

I left, I would wake up thinking I heard you call for me. It went on for years. Not every night but often enough. And then one night it happened, I thought I heard you call, and I realized—” she has to stop for a second. She’s cryin’ hard now, and I’m tryin’ not to break down and do the same thing. “I realized it had been six years. You were twelve years old, and you probably hadn’t bothered calling for me for a very long time.”
    I’m startin’ to lose it, and I swore to myself I wasn’t gonna let this happen. “ Stop! ”
    “Angelo, I could try to explain why I left—”
“Don’t!”
“I know it was wrong—”
    “ Will you shut up, already ?” She gasps a little, like I’ve slapped her. I have to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath to calm down, then I say, gentler this time, “Don’t wanna talk ’bout any of that.” Because what’s the point, really? Don’t see any reason for diggin’ up a buncha shit that’s twenty years old.
    “Okay.” She sounds confused by that but a little bit relieved too. Guess I can’t blame her. “What would you like to talk about?”
    This is the one part I thought about ahead of time. I know exactly what to say. “Me and Zach.” ’Cause we might as well hang up now if we can’t get past this.
    “Okay.” Her voice is hesitant. That one word is almost a question.
    “I’m not leavin’ him.”
“I would never ask you to, Angelo. But—”
“Stop,” I say, interruptin’ her. “Let me finish.”
It takes her a second, but then she says, “I’m listening.”
    “I’m queer, and I can’t change what I am. Just the way it is. You want a chance to get to know me, that’s the first thing you gotta deal with. Second thing is, I’m with Zach. And I don’t plan on changin’ that either. Not ever. And I’m not listenin’ to any lectures ’bout God, or ’bout how it’s a sin, or nothin’ like that. So you gotta decide right now, and you better be sure. ’Cause I’m never talkin’ to you ’bout this again. Whether it’s now or a year from now, the minute you start tryin’ to tell me it’s wrong, I’m hangin’ up the phone for good.”
    She’s quiet a long time. So long, I start to think maybe she hung up, and I missed the click. But then she says, “Can I ask one question first?”
    That surprises me, but I say, “Guess so.”
“Are you happy?”
    That surprises me even more. Not sure what I was expectin’, but not that. It’s not hard for me to answer, though. “Happier now than I’ve ever been.”
    “That’s all I really want, Angelo—for you to be happy. I was shocked, at first, and a little upset. But if you’re truly happy—”
    “ I am .”
“—then I can accept it.”
    I almost don’t believe it. Truth is, I didn’t expect her to agree so fast. “Are you sure?”

    But she says without hesitation, “I’m sure.”

    Two tiny words, but the weight that lifts off my shoulders when she says ’em is enormous.
    “You and Zach live in Coda now?” she asks, and I can tell she’s tryin’ real hard to make things feel normal between us. Whatever “normal” is for a mother and son who don’t know each other one bit.
    “Yeah.”
“Do you like it there?”
    “Love it,” and I’m almost surprised to realize how much I mean it. “Have some good friends here. Matt and Jared. Jared’s family’s here too. Feels kinda like I have a family now too. First time ever.” I hear her breath hitch, and I stop short, realizin’ what I said. “Didn’t mean it to sound like that.”
    “It’s okay,” she says gently. “I’m happy for you, Angelo.”
    It goes quiet for a while after that. Guess neither of us knows what to say. Finally she takes a deep breath, like she’s gotta get up her nerve again and says, “Angelo, I have time off for Christmas. Would it be okay if I came up to see you?”
    “No!” I say, harsher than I meant to. I hear her make a little hiccup sound, like she’s cryin’ again, and I say softer, “Not this year. I’m not sayin’ never. But not yet.”
    “Okay,” she says. She’s still snifflin’ but she sounds hopeful too. “Maybe…?” she stops, like she’s afraid to say it but finally does. “Do you think maybe next year?”
    “Rather just deal with one year at a time,” I say.
“Can I call?”
    I’m startin’ to feel a little overwhelmed now. Feel like I made a pretty big step already. Not sure I’m ready for any more than that. “I don’t know. Gotta