Ghost Time

mouth, and I had to bite to hold it down.
    Of course I knew what it was. I mean, okay, I can barely pass half my classes, but come on, I know what a big envelope means. It means he’s got a ticket out of Fort Marshall, means Cam was leaving. Seeing it there, inches from my hands, I didn’t feel the wind knocked out of me, I felt punched in the gut, and I couldn’t speak. I just waited, punishing myself, staring at the envelope like it was the enemy, cursing a piece of paper in my head. But it was his job to tell me, so I sat there, waiting, thinking, Say it. Go on. You brought me here to tell me, so tell me.
    Finally, he reached over, pulling my chin up, so I’d look him in the eye, and I still looked at him—and even then, even when I’m angry, he’s so beautiful, I think, What are you doing with me? But I still threw a fit, pushing him away, because sometimes that’s the only thing I know how to do. I did; I looked away, acting all, whatever. Cam goes, I wanted you to be the first to know, pressing his hands across the table, reaching for my fingertips, and I pulled away.
    He pulled back, and I go, Tell me what, Cam? And he knew I knew, but he said it anyway. He goes, I wanted you to be the first person I told that I got into MIT. I looked away again, at our fries, and I said, Does your mom know? Not yet, he said, spreading his fingers, pressing his hands against the table like he was going to reach for me. Told you I wanted to tell you first, he said, licking his bottom lip, and I go, Gee, thanks, but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t help feeling so angry, so… alone.
    Then and there, I could feel it: I knew what was coming. He’d leave for school, and I’d stay, and we’d be one of those memories you grip on to for dear life, knowing you’re the only one gripping. I was becoming the one left behind. My throat started swelling into a fist, and he goes, Thee, it’s a long way away, a whole year, and I said, Don’t , biting my lip: don’t say it. He goes, Don’t say what, Thea? I go, Don’t give me the, Oh, I’ll come back and visit. Or, Oh, we’ll see each other on vacation, any of that bullshit people say, I said, looking out the window, clenching my jaw. He goes, I wasn’t going to say that, and I go, Good, because it wouldn’t be true, I said, but only after I swallowed to get the words out.
    Thea, he said, reaching for my hand, I don’t know what’s going to happen, and neither do you. I go, Well, you’re headed to MIT. That’s what’s going to happen, I said, sighing, crossing my arms, and he goes, Yes, I am. Well, congratulations, I said, raising my eyebrows, like, lucky you! Because that’s about as much of a bigger person as I was capable of being at that moment. Thank you, he said. You’re welcome, I said, twisting my tongue again. At that moment, I knew I was being such a bitch, but so what. He was leaving me: I had every right.
    We just sat there for I don’t know how long, but finally, he leaned forward again, and he goes, Look at me, and I tried, but I couldn’t hold his eyes. Just out of curiosity, when did you find out? I asked, taking a sip of my Diet Coke. Last night, he said. Mom was at the store, so I got to the mailbox before she did. I go, Last night. And you didn’t tell me? He goes, I didn’t want totell you on the phone, Thee. Was there a better time to tell you? Nope, I said.
    Then he goes, You want to fight, don’t you? And he was right, but so what? I go, Honestly, I don’t want anything, Cam. Except to be alone, I said, reaching for my coin purse, pulling out a couple dollars and getting up to leave. And I did. Just like that, I got up and walked out, making up my mind to walk the entire way home. I had to: it wasn’t a choice. I mean, for the first time in my life, I felt like someone had reached into my chest, taken hold of my heart, and ripped it clean, like it was nothing more than a chain around my neck. I wanted to be happy for him, because he’s my best friend, and I was happy for him, but I was sad for me, I was so sad, all I could do was… feel angry. Cheap, I know, but easier than bawling, realizing I didn’t know how to do this anymore: this, this town, these people, school, my mom… none of it made any sense if he wasn’t there, and I didn’t know how I’d ever get through.
    I made it a couple hundred yards, and then I felt Cam pull up behind me. In his car, yes. Just before sunset, and he was driving about five miles an hour,