If I Tell

like a jerk.
    “Hey.” Amber smacked my arm lightly. “You of all people don’t strike me as the judgmental type.” She gave me a dirty look before slipping out of the work area and heading for her office at the back of the shop.
    I made a face at her back but avoided looking toward the cash register, where I felt Lacey’s presence in the pit of my stomach. I kept busy fetching milk from the cooler, filling steel carafes, topping up mixes, and cleaning up spills.
    Inevitably Lacey sauntered over to the Pit and stood still, just staring at me. I ignored her.
    “So, how’s it going?” she finally asked.
    “Fine.” I wished there was a mute button I could press to keep her from saying more.
    “You going to stay mad at me forever?” she asked.
    I scrubbed the counter like I was sanding Grandma’s old furniture. From the corner of my eye, I saw Lacey jut her hip out. She blew a bubble with her gum and breathed out until it popped.
    “I’m sorry. I mean…about what happened,” she said. “We were both really drunk.”
    I scrubbed harder, concentrating on the counter and not making eye contact with her. “You weren’t too drunk to know it was Simon.”
    She shifted from one foot to another. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know how it happened.”
    I willed her not to say anything more. The less I knew, the better.
    “This is really awkward,” she said.
    “You could say that.” A surge of anger hit me, and I glanced straight at her. “How could you do that? Simon, Lacey. It was Simon.”
    “I was drunk, Jaz. It was stupid.”
    “Drunk is always your excuse.”
    Lacey didn’t speak for a moment. “Ouch,” she finally said and lifted a hand and studied her nails. “I didn’t mean to get that drunk. I feel terrible.”
    I sighed. Didn’t she get it? Simon was almost family. Last year when some kid at the mall called me an Oreo, it was Simon I went to. He was the only person I could talk to about things like that.
    “You’re a strong, beautiful girl with talent and smarts,” Simon had said when I told him. “Not a cookie.” He’d rubbed the top of my head. “No one can take away who you are inside or out. Don’t let other people make you feel bad about who you are.”
    I’d dropped my head. “I look black on the outside. But I’m not.”
    “You are black,” Simon said, standing straighter. “And that’s something to be proud of.”
    I couldn’t look at Simon. I didn’t feel like I shared or deserved that heritage. That pride in being black. I wasn’t the real thing, one way or the other.
    Simon had moved closer and put a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Our people fought for equality and respect for hundreds of years. You’re up for this. You don’t have to earn it, Jaz.”
    But I wasn’t sure. Not then or now.
    “Jazzy?” Lacey said.
    I glared at her. After standing up for me, after being part of my family for so long, Simon had ruined it. Lacey had ruined it with him.
    Lacey must have read my expression because her eyes filled with tears. She rubbed them, smudging her black eyeliner.
    “You know how I get. It didn’t mean anything. You know that, right? Can you forgive me? Please?”
    I glanced away, not able to stand the sight of her. I did know how she got. How many times had I told her she shouldn’t get trashed and make out with random dudes? How often had I stood by her while she dealt with the morning-after remorse?
    “We’re talking about my mom’s boyfriend. It’s not like you got a stain on my favorite shirt or something. I can’t just make it go away.”
    “I know. I really hate myself, if that makes you feel better.” She chewed a fake fingernail and then wiped under her eyes, smearing her makeup even more. “How can I make you forgive me?”
    That was my cue to tell her that it was okay. That she shouldn’t drink so much. Give her a pep talk. “There’s not a lot you can do.”
    She sucked in a quick breath and sniffled. “I can’t lose you over this, Jaz. You’re the only person who accepts me for who I am.”
    I stood straighter; I wouldn’t let her talk her way out. Not from this.
    “Does Simon know I saw you?”
    Lacey’s hair flitted back and forth over her shoulder as she shook her head. “I don’t think so. I didn’t say anything about it.”
    “And you swear there’s nothing going on between you two now?” I didn’t ask how far it had gone. I didn’t want to know. Even though I did.
    “Of course not. I