Ms. Beard Is Weird!

of applause for your gym teacher, Miss Small!”
    Miss Small stepped up to the microphone.
    â€œWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?” she asked.
    â€œWhat?” we all shouted.
    â€œA pool table,” said Miss Small. “Do you kids know why a bicycle can’t stand up by itself?”
    â€œWhy?” we all shouted.
    â€œIt’s two tired,” said Miss Small. “Hey, what’s Irish and sits out in the backyard?”
    â€œWhat?” we all shouted.
    â€œPatio furniture.”
    The teachers weren’t all that funny, but we laughed anyway, because it’s funny watching teachers tell jokes. Just like it’s funny watching teachers sing, dance, and mud wrestle. Actually, watching teachers do anything besides teach is funny.

    Ms. Beard announced that the phone lines were open, and millions of hundreds of people started calling in. We had to sit and wait forever while the votes were counted. Then we had to sit through another commercial for Porky’s pork sausages.
    â€œAfter this there will only be two teachers left,” Andrea said to me. “Isn’t this exciting, Arlo?”
    â€œNo,” I replied.
    Actually, it was really exciting. But any time Andrea says anything, I always say the opposite thing. That’s the first rule of being me.
    Finally, the phone lines were closed. Ms. Beard stepped up to the microphone with a piece of paper.
    â€œI have the results,” she said. “America has spoken. “Our last two teachers are . . . Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey!”

11
Grab That Cash!
    So after a week of competition, there were only two teachers left: Mr. Granite of the Hot Dog Heads and Ms. Leakey of the Mooseketeers.
    The next night we all gathered in the all-purpose room for the final live episode of The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School. Millions of people were watching on TV. There was electricity in the air.
    Well, not really. If there had been electricity in the air, we would have been electrocuted. But it was really exciting.
    â€œWelcome to the final episode of The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School ! I’m your host, Ms. Beard.”
    Everybody clapped and stomped their feet. Some kids were holding up signs like MS. LEAKEY IS FREAKY! and MR. GRANITE IS FROM ANOTHER PLANET!
    â€œGo, Mr. Granite!” I shouted.
    â€œYou can do it, Ms. Leakey!” shouted somebody else.
    Two big booths were wheeled out onto the stage. They looked like the old-fashioned phone booths they had before everybody used cell phones. The doors were opened. Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey each got into a booth. There were microphones, so we could hear what they said.

    â€œAre you two nervous?” asked Ms. Beard.
    â€œA little, yes,” said Mr. Granite.
    â€œNot me!” said Ms. Leakey. “I’m ready for anything.”
    â€œGreat!” said Ms. Beard. “This game is simple. We’re going to open the top of both booths and drop hundreds of dollar bills on you. When I say go, start grabbing the bills. Whoever grabs the most money in five minutes will be the winner of The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School. ”
    â€œYayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
    â€œThat doesn’t look so hard,” I whispered to Alexia, who was sitting next to me.
    Two guys climbed up on ladders and opened the tops of the booths. Then they dumped garbage cans full of dollar bills into them.
    â€œCan we get started?” asked Mr. Granite.
    â€œNot yet,” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys, drop the glue!”
    Glue?
    The guys on the ladders took hoses and pointed them down into the booths. Then they turned the hoses on and squirted thick globs of glue all over Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey until they were completely covered.
    Yuck! Disgusting!
    â€œCan we get started now ?” asked Ms. Leakey.
    â€œNot yet,” said Ms. Beard. “Okay, guys, turn on the fans!”
    Fans?
    There must have been fans in the bottom of the booths, because suddenly there was a loud whooshing sound, and the dollar bills started swirling all over the place.
    â€œOkay, now you can get started!” shouted Ms. Beard. “Go! Go! Go! Grab that cash!”
    Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey started flailing around, trying to snatch the money that was flying all over the booths. Some of the bills stuck to their clothes. Some of it stuck to their faces. Mr. Granite was stuffing dollar bills into his