Ms. Beard Is Weird!

cake, I’m outta here.”
    â€œMe too!” said Mr. Granite. “Find us something else to do.”
    â€œUh . . . okay,” said Ms. Beard. “Today our teachers are going to eat bugs. The teacher who eats the most bugs—”
    â€œI’m not eating bugs!” yelled Mr. Macky. He was really mad.
    â€œBut our research shows that next to baking cakes, the one thing people like to watch most on TV is other people eating bugs,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œI don’t care what your research shows,” shouted Mr. Macky. “I’m not eating bugs. And by the way, that’s my final answer.”
    â€œI’ve had enough of reality TV,” said Mr. Granite. “I quit.”
    â€œWhat if we had a tug-of-war?” suggested Ms. Beard. “And the team that loses falls into a pit filled with Porky’s pork sausages?”
    â€œNo!” all four teachers replied.
    â€œLook,” Mr. Macky said, “we’re not falling into any pits. We’re not going to eat any bugs. And we’re not going to bake cakes or wrestle in mud anymore. We’re sick of your dumb games, so we’re leaving the show.”
    â€œDon’t you care about winning the—”
    â€œNo!”
    The four teachers got up to leave.
    â€œWait!” shouted Ms. Beard, stopping them. “Okay, I get it. I won’t make you bake cakes or eat bugs or fall into pits filled with pork sausages. But if you stay, I’ll donate another million dollars to the school.”
    They stopped.
    â€œWhat’s the catch?” asked Miss Small.
    â€œYou will have to do the most challenging, frightening, and humiliating thing anyone has ever done on a TV show,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œWhat?” asked the teachers.
    And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what the teachers would have to do.
    I’m not gonna tell you.
    Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. 6

10
Very Funny
    â€œYou have to tell jokes,” announced Ms. Beard.
    â€œJokes?”
    â€œOh, that’s no big deal,” said Ms. Leakey. “I know lots of jokes.”
    â€œMe too,” said Mr. Granite.
    â€œHere are the rules,” announced Ms. Beard. “The four of you can tell three jokes each. Then we’ll open up the phone lines, and viewers will vote for the funniest teacher. Two of you will advance to the next round, and two of you will go home. Got it? Let’s get cracking. Joke cracking, that is!”
    All the lights went out except for a spotlight on the microphone. Mr. Granite stepped up to it.
    â€œWhat kind of a bone will a dog never eat?” asked Mr. Granite.
    â€œWhat kind?” we all shouted.
    â€œA trombone!” said Mr. Granite.
    He waited until the chuckles died down to tell his next joke.

    â€œWho can shave twenty-five times a day and still have a beard?”
    â€œWho?” we all shouted.
    â€œA barber!” said Mr. Granite. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus?”
    â€œNo,” we all shouted.
    â€œIt was in tents,” said Mr. Granite.
    We gave Mr. Granite a standing ovation. He bowed, and Ms. Leakey stepped up to the microphone.
    â€œHave you heard about the new corduroy pillows?” she asked. “They’re making headlines! But seriously, folks, do you know what Mary is short for?”
    â€œWhat?” we all shouted.
    â€œShe’s got no legs,” said Ms. Leakey. “Hey, why was Jon walking backward on the first day of school?”
    â€œWhy?” we all shouted.

    â€œIt was back-to-school time,” said Ms. Leakey. “Thank you. You’ve been a wonderful audience.”
    â€œThat was terrific!” said Ms. Beard over the applause. “Let’s bring out our next comedian.”
    Mr. Macky stepped up to the microphone.

    â€œDo you kids know what the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans said to each other?” he asked.
    â€œWhat?” we all shouted.
    â€œNothing,” said Mr. Macky. “They just waved. Hey, why do gorillas have big nostrils?”
    â€œWhy?” we all shouted.
    â€œBecause gorillas have big fingers,” said Mr. Macky. “Say, how are a chicken and a grape alike?”
    â€œHow?” we all shouted.
    â€œThey’re both purple,” said Mr. Macky, “except for the chicken.”
    â€œGood one!” said Ms. Beard. “And last but not least, how about a round